


Cataclysm

by smolchinerd



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Asexual!Evan Hansen, Connor also needs love, Connor doesn't die au, Connor gets mad, Don't @ Me, Eating Disorders, Evan needs love, F/F, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I think Evan needs it more, I'm trying, I've never seen the musical, M/M, Mentally Abusive Parent(s)?, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, No Smut, Non Canonical, References to Drugs, Self Harm, Slow Burn, Sorry folks I'm Asexual, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, neglectful parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:10:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11099499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolchinerd/pseuds/smolchinerd
Summary: Evan Hansen never knew how to say no. You could ask him to jump off a bridge for you and he'd reluctantly say yes. The boy is always trying to help someone other than himself, and that's both a good and a bad thing. At some point he's going to have to learn how to say no.And here comes Connor Murphy, the critic acclaimed "school shooter" and freak. The angry teen just carries around a bad attitude and a terrible temper, but he's also a magnet for anything negative. It's no wonder that Evan "Anxiety" Hansen gets tied into Connor's life.After a confrontation, a misunderstanding, and a little conversation, Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy become friends. Evan takes the responsibility of handling Connor, his own, and everyone else's problems as if it's his sole purpose in life to do so.How will Evan fair against the harshness of the world with one Connor Murphy at his side? And how can Evan handle Connor if they're "Close, but not that way".





	1. Factious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [patsserie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/patsserie/gifts).



> ~ Thank you for taking the time to read my fan fiction! I only recently listened to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack, and I'm planning to save up and see it on Broadway my senior year of high school. 
> 
> ~ This fiction has only been planned up to the 20th chapter, so please forgive me it it manages to go beyond that and you only expected the 20 chapters.
> 
> ~There is not as much dialogue in this chapter because I wanted to focus more on background rather than interactions. The next chapter should have more!
> 
> ~Please enjoy!

Despite the letter that he’d wrote to himself that morning, Evan already felt like today was _not_ going to be a good day. It was the first day back to school and, to Evan’s dismay, he was still required to attend regardless of the injury that he had acquired over the summer.

 

Part of him wanted to wish that if he bitched and moaned enough, his mom would finally realize that he doesn’t want to go to school. But of course, the only thing she tells him that morning is something along the lines of: “Did you write your letter for therapy? Don’t forget to take your pills! I’m working late tonight because I don’t care about the wellbeing of my son! Love you, bye!”

 

Okay, maybe that last part was a stretch, but that’s what it always felt like. The crisp autumn air hit him hard once he stepped out of the warm safety of his house. For a brief second he considered turning around and pretending to be sick, but he knew that the second he uttered the words “I feel sick,” to his mother, she’d take the day off just to coddle him. 

 

It’s not that he dislikes the attention, it just the fact that he only gets the attention when there’s something wrong. Any other day, his mom would stay over time to the point where they can’t even allow her to work any longer because the union will get on their tails for ‘overworking’ her. Oh, but every other day, he’s at home alone making another sandwich to eat _alone_ for dinner.

 

Evan releases a gentle sigh because, for once, he actually wants today to be a good day. He’s had enough of summer, and now he’s ready to get through senior year so that he can hole himself up in his room for the rest of his life. His mom really wanted him to go to college and _be something,_ but what can an anxiety riddled boy become? A laughing stock, that’s what.

 

Just down the road, Evan can spot the dull yellow school bus bounding down the street. It seems to be swaying and most definitely occupied by rowdy high school kids who give absolutely zero shits about how they’re giving Evan a panic attack. As if the aspect of riding the bus wasn’t already bad, his family friend, Jared, rides as well, so that makes things more interesting.

 

You know what? Fuck the bus. Fuck getting caught in the middle of an anxiety attack by Jared and fuck Jared and his stupid obsession with Evan’s sex life. If Evan wants to make change this year, he’s going have to hike this mountain and make it to the top himself. So, he ignored the loud bus scooting by and begins to walk in the direction of the school.

 

His bright white cast grazes against the side of his body and hip as he walks and it honestly makes him feel itchy and uncomfortable. There were a few times where he’d tried to use a pair of scissors to cut the cast off, but he ended up trying so often that the scissors were dull.

 

It doesn’t take long to get to the school. That was mostly a product of Evan’s anxiety, he must admit. One second he was peacefully walking and the next second he’s frantically jogging to school because, _What if they changed the time that the morning bell rings and I’m late for school?_

 

Between his anxiety realizing _holy shit you’re at school_ , and how many students are flying off of the bus and into the building, Evan doesn’t realize that he’s nearing the lane from the parking lot to the main campus. Usually, Evan looks both ways before he crosses any type of street, but this time he’s all too focused on _not_ focusing that he fails to notice the car that’s speeding it's way through the lane.

 

The car’s driver has most definitely noticed that Evan is crossing the road, but he doesn’t honk or shout out the window for Evan to move. Any onlookers are 90% sure that the car’s absolutely insane operator actually pressed harder onto the gas rather than slowing down. It’s almost like he’s trying to make a scene.

 

When the _HONK_ finally comes, Evan flinches, turning to face the car that’s coming his way, and at an alarming speed too. You know how you watch a horror film and shout at the character when they just stand there in fear and lets themselves be killed? Yeah, Evan is that character right now.

 

He’s much too afraid to allow his legs to move from his spot and he’s just staring wide-eyed at the car that doesn’t have any chill. All at once, Evan realises the severity of the situation and his anxiety seems to supercharge his brain. He’s suddenly propelled by the fear of actually being hit and he frantically runs to the other side of the road, where he’s safe.

 

“That was fuckng priceless!” The brunette in the driver’s seat of the car slows to a stop when he pulls up beside Evan. “Your reaction was so delayed, I thought I was actually going to hit you." 

 

Evan goes to reply to the kid, but he’s already laughing and driving away before he can even get his first word out. _Definitely rude,_ Evan concludes. It wasn’t how he expected to start of the first day of school but he should be used to things not working out by now, that’s just how it is.

 

He sits up from his place on the concrete. The bustling campus isn’t easing his nerves in the least, but he tries to convince himself that _today is going to be a good day._

 

The impotent boy has had the same homeroom since senior year, so it’s no surprise that he’s able to get to the classroom within 4 minutes and without having to swim against the current of students flooding the hall. He’s been developing the perfect routes to all of his classes without human interaction since the first week of 9th grade, and he’s glad to say that all of his planning paid off.

 

His homeroom teacher, Ms. Annie as she likes to be called, always leaves her classroom unlocked. Evan usually takes this as an invitation to enter the class early and take his seat before things become hectic.

 

Soon enough the bell rung and the rest of the class came filing in. Luckily, Evan sat at the back of the classroom, so he wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with any trivial students who wanted to pick on him. Ms. Annie, a red head with some of the curliest hair Evan has ever seen, walking into the class a few minutes after the bell rung and introduced herself to the class.

 

Most of the students had her the year before and the year before that, but she still decided to carry out the annual procedure of going over the classroom rules and having everyone introduce themselves.

 

The introduction train started off with the freshmen in the room before moving on to sophomores, juniors, and finally seniors. Evan was 1 of 5 seniors in the class, so he knew that his turn to introduce himself to the class was inevitable with such a small age group.

 

“That’s everyone we need to introduce! I hope y’all have a nice year with me as your homeroom teacher.” She clasped her hands together as she spoke. “Pack your things, the bell rings in a few minutes.”

 

Evan blinked a few times. He’d been skipped? Admittedly, he wasn’t exactly prepared to have the eyes of the entire class on him, but he still didn’t know whether to be offended or relieved that he had been forgotten.

 

The bell rung and Evan quickly stood and gathered his things. His tech class was next. As such a banal person, he didn’t take the technology class because he was some highly educated kid who knew how to code or something of that manner. He was only in the class because he needed somewhere to edit the pictures he took and the school computers had photoshop for free.

 

Evan wasn’t a professional photographer or anything, but he did know how to take some gnarly photos. Whether it was a flower or just some passersby on the street, he knew how to make the photo look like it was captured by a world class photographer. Evan wasn’t world class-- he used the beaten up camera of his trashy phone --and he had to use photoshop to make the images look good.

 

Mr. Zyke stood at the front of the classroom, his hands tightly clasped together. Beside him stood a brunette boy who like he’s never been in a more boring place in his life. Evan ignored everyone and everything, instead taking his seat at the back of the classroom to being working.

 

“Good morning students. Welcome to the Tech Zone. Rules are posted on the walls, so if you fail to read them and break a rule, don’t blame me. Since it’s the first day, I’ll allow you all to play computer games and do whatever it is you teenagers do.” The tense man gestured to the brunette. “This is Connor Murphy, he will act as a teacher’s assistant of sorts. Feel free to ask him for help. He has nothing better to do with his time.”

 

Evan recognized the name, but honestly wasn’t interested enough to try to connect the name to a face. It was only 1st period and he was already mentally exhausted.

~

Connor stretches a bit, his back popping with a cringe worthy _pop._

 

_Fuck Mr. Zyke for insulting me._  

 

He thinks to himself silently. It only takes a few moments for him to realize that he really has nothing better to do with his time, so decides to make himself useful and clean up the trash that already littered the computer lab. 

 

The back of the room is much dirtier than the front of the room, Connor notes, deciding to make his way to the back corner. Another plus side, there’s only one kid back there, so he won’t be bothered with any stupid questions that he doesn’t care to answer. 

 

Maybe Evan should have noticed when Connor made his way to the back of the room and he most definitely should have noticed when the rakish boy leaned over his shoulder and began reading what was being typed. 

 

“What the fuck.” Connor speaks harshly the second his eyes catch Zoe’s name on the screen. 

 

Evan pauses, breath catching in his lungs, when he sees said letter being read by Connor. He, Connor, takes a glance at the opening sentence and then to Evan. This does nothing to calm the panic that has begun to spread in his heart at the thought of his personal letter being read. Key word, personal.

 

He swivels to face Connor. “Oh- I- When did you get- is there anything you need?" 

 

“You’re damn right there’s something I need.” He stands up straight now, staring down at Evan’s small form. “Why the fuck is my sister’s name in this? You have no fucking right to write about her.” 

 

“I wasn’t- well I was, but I-I didn’t- I had no ill intentions!” Evan tries to scoot his chair back, but Connor has him pinned.

 

“I had no ill intentions.” Connor mocks while making air quotations. “Yeah, sure you didn’t. Then fucking explain why the hell her name is on your paper.”

 

The shorter boy is trying to be laconic and rational, but It’s not much use when you’re up against Connor Murphy. Connor is already cursing again and Evan hasn’t gotten to explain.

 

“Do you think I’m stupid? You typed this in hopes that I could come back here. You wanted me to see it so that I could over react and show everyone that I’m a _freak_.” Within seconds, Evan is being dragged out of his seat by his shirt collar. “Admit it! You want everyone here to fucking see me reeling and upset. Don’t you? Don’t you!”

 

Although Evan knows better than to take a glance around the room, his anxiety thinks otherwise. His eyes flick up and begin to hop and bounce to every face in the room. Phones. Everyone has a phone out and Evan is 1000% sure that they’re all recording the debacle.

 

“I s-swear- I- why would I- what-” Coherent sentences are a thing of the past because, god damn it, everyone and their mother is going to see this video and Evan is going to be shown it it being the biggest loser you’ve ever seen.

 

Connor doesn’t seem to notice all eyes on them, but if he does, he doesn’t say anything. Evan’s chest is constricted and his breaths are coming in short. His eyes won't stay focused on one place for too long and he feels like he’s going to puke. A few beads of sweat are present on his forehead and it seems like Connor’s eyes are boring into his soul.

“T-the letter- it’s more of a project- b-but it isn’t for- it’s for my therapy session. A-after school I- I didn’t mean to upset you I just- I was using this p-period to get this done. I’m sorry.”

 

“L-Look, kid.” Connor mocks. “I don’t want to see another fucking letter including my sister's name, got it? I don’t think I should have to warn you of the ass whooping I’ll be giving you if I catch you doing this again.” Connor’s free hand is moving backwards, cocking like the hammer of a gun and Evan knows what’s about to happen. 

 

Before the fist can collide with his face, Evan is tearing himself out of Connor’s grasp. He goes to move away from Connor, but the brunette is already a step ahead of him. A pair of hands forcefully push against his chest accompanied by a chorus of gasps and shouts.

 

It’s fear that Evan feels after the initial shove. There’s also anger there, but he’s so afraid of the outcome of showing it, he manages to keep it suppressed. All cameras are still on them, more on Evan, and a few people keep their camera’s on Connor as he spouts about any negative thing that comes to mind.

 

The floor is dirty and cold and he can feel his anxiety creeping up his back and into his lungs. He doesn’t have the time to think of a worthy explanation, as usual. He’s stumbling to his feet and pushing through the crowd of people blocking the door. His pathetic “E-excuse me” is unheard by the group, but he still manages to squeeze through.

 

Connor doesn’t follow. There’s no need to. Students are beginning to settle down a bit, probably as a result of Mr. Zyke returning. In spite, Connor turns to Evan’s computer and deleting all of the tabs. It’s irrational and childish, but that doesn’t stop him from doing it. 

 

“Damn it Evan!” The boy shouts to himself once he’s in the bathroom. He barely makes it to a stall before locking the door and collapsing onto the ground. 

 

The floor is dirty, but he doesn’t stand. He’s trembling and 1 million percent sure that he’s crying. His breathing is funny, even more so than it usually is when he’s having an attack. Despite Jared’s constant jokes about Evan hyperventilating, he actually is this time, and it’s not making the situation any better.

 

“Wh-what’d I even- I was just minding my b- my business! I just- I don’t understand!” He whines childishly as he scrubs at his face with his arm.

 

He has read his fair share of books on anxiety and anxiety attacks, but no ounce of information can stop him from digging his nails into his skin and tugging at his hair. He’s floating and he can’t seem to pull himself down to Earth. He needs something to ground him, but _fuck, nothing is working. Why isn’t it working?_

 

It seems like hours before he can actually breathe and remember- oh. He’s on the floor in a bathroom stall. Evan finally finds the energy to lift himself from the disgusting floor. His hair is messily sprawled across his head and his arms ache. The blue polo he wears undoubtedly is littered with unidentifiable objects and, of course, tears.

 

The boy is too mentally exhausted to freak out over the fact that he’s missed at least two periods. He knows that by the end of the day, his mom is going to get a call saying that he missed 2 or more classes. Then, at home, he’ll be bombarded with questions about what happened and if he was alright.

 

He checks his phone, noting the time. It should be 3rd period, which so happens to be his free period. _Hopefully Mr. Zyke didn’t turn off my computer._ Besides his letter, he’d been working on a few photos that needed photoshopping and he was sure that he didn’t save them before he escaped the class.

 

Luckily, the hallways are void of students and faculty as he makes his way to the computer lab. Upon entering the computer lab, Evan physically cheers with joy because it’s empty. He doesn’t think he can handle another confrontation today.

 

His computer screen is still brightly lit in the back of the classroom, mostly likely forgotten to be turned off by the previous class...or Connor. He’s happy, for a brief moment, seeing as he managed to have a panic attack yet things are looking up for him.

 

Evan sauntered over to his computer with heavy lidded eyes and squinted at the screen once he was directly in front of it. To his complete horror, there were no tabs open on his computer. Where there should have been three tabs open, there was only a wallpaper of the school logo.

 

If he hadn’t just had a panic attack, he would have been hyperventilating and flipping his shit, but again, at the time he wasn’t mentally capable. All he wanted to do was go home, curl up on his bed, and go to sleep. No more tears or panic attacks, just sleep.

 

There were still somewhere around 4 hours in the school day, but Evan managed to ward off anything his anxiety was trying to tell him. He’s never skipped school before, as an effect of his anxiety of course, so it was odd walking towards his house knowing that everyone else was still stuck in school. Going home felt like ascending to Heaven.

 

Going home was heaven on Earth, Evan had deduced. Home always just felt cozy and capable of shielding his from the outside world. When he was home, he didn’t have to worry about embarrassing himself in public or what the effect of doing something would be. Home was home, and Evan was happy with that.

 

He spared no time to stop in the kitchen to get a snack, nor did he take the time to contact his mom and tell her about the day’s exhilarating events. Instead, he dragged his aching feet into his room and fell face forward onto his bed.

 

The bed was made, as always, and his pillows were cold from the lack of heat present in the house. Cold pillows were always a comfortable thing to lie on, so Evan didn’t move from his spot until the chilly feeling of the pillow faded to an intolerable heat.

 

He pulled his backpack off his back- _had he been wearing it all day?_ Nevermind that thought, he hauled his laptop out of the largest pocket and gently placed it on his bed. Luckily, his word document from this morning was still open. It read:

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why. You’re going to start off senior year with a bang and when all is done, you can hole yourself up in your room until you die. Given, that last part is a bit negative, but it’s looking at things on the bright side nonetheless._

 

_Sincerely, Me_

 

Evan physically shuddered upon reading what he had written because _My god, that has to be the biggest lie of the year._ Quickly, he backspaced everything and, equally as fast, typed a new entry. _Can I really do that? I mean, you’re supposed to write the letter and it’s supposed to make you look on the bright side, but I’m purposely rewriting it so that it corresponds to what happened today. What would his therapist think? What if he’s banned from attending any more therapy sessions because he’s incapable of-_

The poor boy doesn't even register the fact that he’s already finished typing the new and improved letter. Forget being mentally incapable of worrying for the rest of the day, he’s clearly proven that claim to be void. He sighs, something he finds himself doing whenever he writes letters, and decides to read over whatever he’s written.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Today is going to be a terrible day, and here’s why. Your initial letter was a flunk and it no longer exists. You almost got hit by a car this morning and the driver, who you now recognize as Connor Murphy, showed no remorse for what he did. You were skipped in homeroom despite having the same homeroom since freshman year. Last but not least, you were confronted by Connor Murphy on something you didn’t even do? Well, you might have done it, whatever it is, but you don’t understand why Connor got so upset over it. The whole class got you being a pussy on video and you can’t stop them from uploading it. Connor’s going to be at your throat all school year, and that’s going to ruin what was supposed to be an amazing senior year. Congratulations, Evan Hansen, you ruined your day without trying._

 

_Sincerely, Me_

 

Upon reading it, Evan immediately wants to bowdlerize the whole thing because it’s basically himself offending himself. Not to mention that the way nearly every sentence starts with ‘You’ is like he’s accusing himself of everything listed, not that he isn’t accusing himself.

 

He’s too mentally exhausted, for real this time, to keep thinking about what to do with the horrible excuse for a letter. One thing is for sure, he’s going to try to fix whatever the hell he did wrong. 

 

Confronting Connor sounds like going to hell and back, so he decides he won't classify it as a confrontation, he’ll just say it’s a friendly encounter. _Oh god, that doesn’t make it sound any better._ What happened to being mentally exhausted?

 

For real for real this time, Evan flips his pillow to the opposite side, the much cooler side. He releases a gentle sigh once the pillow meets the side of his face. Sleeping in his clothes are uncomfortable, but he’s exerted too much energy for the day, so jeans and a polo are going to have to cut it.

 

The fatuous boy finally allows himself to drift off into a nice, yet tense, slumber.

~

  
Connor Murphy was never one to feel bad about what he did. He was rash and got upset easily, so like hell would he ever dwell too long on hurting a nobody like Evan Hansen. Connor himself didn’t really know who the boy with the cast was, but he concluded that his insistent stuttering was irritating. 

 

He also concludes that whoever the hell Evan Hansen is, was about to get the beat down of a lifetime. _Who exchanges emails anyway?_ Connor finds himself thinking after dwelling, something he said he wouldn’t do, on the subject. Jesus, people are just incompetent, and that’s including himself 

 

The fact that Mr. S-stutter, as Connor had named Evan, tried to play the innocent card was just the more upsetting. If you’re caught in the middle of a lie, the best option is to just admit to what you did. Running away from confrontation was the easy way out of things, and Connor knew better than to run away with his tail between his legs.

 

After the class was calmed down, Mr. Zyke told Connor that he was to shut down every computer and that he had to resume, and finish, cleaning the grimy tiles floors. Connor begrudgingly obliged in view of the fact that cleaning up a classroom and shutting down computers was better than a year’s amount of detention.

 

While cleaning, he couldn't help but wonder _why_ he’d gotten so upset about seeing Zoe’s name on the screen. It could have been a byproduct of catching a couple dozen guys spying on her and trying to slip love letters into her locker, or it could have been the crude fact that she would always be more popular and sought after than himself. He assumed the latter.

 

He went through another period before deciding, _fuck this, I’m not graduating anyway,_ and exiting the building. If any faculty noticed him hopping the fence to get to the parking lot, no once called him out on it, and if anyone noticed how he looked significantly _more_ upset than usual, they didn’t comment on it either.


	2. Misconstruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m going to say this again, you and Evan Hansen need to stop talking about my sister.”
> 
> Evan finally tries to look on the bright side of things and turn a mishap into a friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I'm sorry for the lack of update on any of my stories, I'm really stressed trying to pay off my tuition before the due date and I haven't been able to write. I hope this satisfies your needs!
> 
> ~Also, Jared is coming y'all, don't freak.
> 
> ~Have I mentioned how much I love my children?
> 
> ~Enjoy the chapter!

Connor never thought much about what he did and how he did it.

 

To be completely honest, he didn’t have much of a mouth to brain filter. When he spoke, 99% of the time, not even he himself knew what was going to come out.

 

Another thing, Connor Murphy absolutely, under no circumstances, never woke up early. Especially on a school day. So, you can imagine his horror when he woke up the next morning at 6 am.

 

Very rarely did he get up on time to get to school, and it was even rarer to see him attend school at all. The previous day was an exception, an effect of being forced by his father and guilt tripped by his mother.

 

Usually he would pull into the parking lot, only to drive off again to some unknown place to smoke. Whatever it was Connor Murphy does.

 

“My god,” Zoe began upon seeing him stroll out of his room. “Judgement day is here everyone! Connor is up before 12 pm! The end is here!”

 

“Fuck off.” His tone was monotone, clearly not used to being used so early in the morning.

 

Zoe lets her eyes scan him before she shrugged and went to her room, shutting the door behind her. 

 

Connor is surprised that no one else had been awake. With all of the commotion Zoe was making, he was convinced that his mother was downstairs cooking some concoction and his father would be in his worn out chair reading the newspaper. 

 

He released a gentle sigh.

 

The cupboard had a box of Froot Loops on the top shelf, so he just yanked out the plastic bag and discarded the box. He doesn't really care to get out milk and a bowl to have a proper breakfast, so he just keeps the dry cereal with him to eat when he gets peckish.

 

The upstairs bathroom doesn’t have a door and is most definitely off limits to him from now on. While the downstairs bathroom is in much better condition, it has also been designated as his father’s personal bathroom, and he’s not too sure if he’s willing to risk his life at the moment. How ironic.

 

_ Fuck it. _

 

He initially anticipated for the restroom to be clean and kempt, certainly not counters littered with hair and ditched boxers strewn about the floor. You were supposed to be able to clearly see your reflection in the mirror, but instead he found himself searching for a place on the grimy mirror.

 

His father kept up this reputation that he was perfect and put together and he even had the nerve to impose those standards on the rest of the family-

 

Enough about his father, Connor wiped down a portion of the mirror with a damp towel lying in the sink.  _ God knows what he was doing with this _ . He admitted, immediately hurling the towel into the bathtub and washing his hands.

 

Luckily, and grossly, the brunette still was wearing the previous day’s clothes. He honestly didn’t have the time to change clothes and he doubted anyone would notice a second round of the same skinny jeans and sweatshirt.

 

He ran a hand through his hair before dubbing it worthy for half a day at school. Damn right, he wasn’t about to spend a whole day at school. He would ditch the second he got a chance.

 

Maybe he should have taken the time to brush his teeth, but again he was much too lazy to make the journey upstairs to acquire his tooth brush. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a piece of mint gum, unwrapped it, and popped it into his mouth.

 

It didn’t take long for him to exit the bathroom, shut the door, grab his backpack and Fruit Loops, then hop into his car.

 

~

 

“Evan, sweetheart! I’m just dropping in during my break to leave you some money for dinner!” Heidi Hensen’s voice echoed off the walls. “I have class right after work today, so I’ll see you...tomorrow? Tomorrow! I love you!”

 

There was a tense silence before she added something more. “We’ll talk about what happened at school yesterday when I get home. Love you!”

 

Evan sat up groggily, his hair messily sprawled across his head and drool slowly dribbling down his chin. He brought his sleeve to his face and promptly rubbed it off.

 

Of course, he should have anticipated that his mother wouldn’t stay long, but he thought she’d be there for more than 10 minutes.

 

Although, he hadn't expected her to know about his little breakdown at school without him accidentally blurting it out.

 

“Alright, mom!” He called out, sitting up. “See you.” The last part was muttered half heartedly because,  _ dammit,  _ they had barely seen one another within the span of a week.

 

While he stepped onto the cold floor, he couldn’t help but think about how careless his mother was. Hell, she didn’t even know the full story about how he broke his arm.

 

A sigh escaped his lips; he didn’t want to be agitated this morning. Confrontations weren’t Evan’s thing, so it made sense that he was avoiding any negative feeling that might ruin confronting  _ the  _ Connor Murphy.

 

And all he had to do was follow a hastily put together, three step, nearly-but-not-quite foolproof plan!

 

First, he’d find where Connor was, introducing himself as Evan Hansen. Second, he’d try to explain why Zoe’s name was in his letter so that Connor didn’t have to be so upset with him. Hopefully getting away with leaving out bits about therapy. Finally, he’d suggest that Connor sign his cast and they should hang out more. Boom, instant friends. Cue the applause.

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

On second thought, that plan had many flaws,  _ way too many flaws _ .

 

  1. First flaw, Evan Hansen has social anxiety. He would probably be stuttering uncontrollably during the entirety of their conversation. And most likely forget to mention his name.
  2. Second flaw, Connor Murphy has a bone to pick with Evan. Upon seeing Evan, Connor would most likely try, and succeed, to finish what he started the previous day. Either that or flee the scene before Evan could get a word out.
  3. Third thing, Evan would have to admit that he attends therapy sessions, even if he tried to ignore it.Connor isn’t exactly stupid, so he might put two and two together and realize that he didn’t really _fall_ out of the tree-



 

“Calm down!” The words were harsh and shouted, echoing off the walls of the empty house. 

 

Right. There was no one there but him. 

 

_ I’m talking to myself. For Pete’s sake, I need more than just therapy sessions. _

 

Another sigh pried through his lips. The birchwood dresser across from him had a white and blue polo sticking out of it and even though it was nearly identical to the one that he was wearing, he didn’t have the time to go searching for another one. 

 

He dragged his feet across the floor and snatched the shirt from it’s place. It didn’t take much time, to remove the one he was wearing and trade it out with the new, much larger, one. His old khakis were switched with a matching pair of khakis, the same brand and everything.

 

Trudging begrudgingly out of his room and into the kitchen, he realized that he wasn’t exactly in the mood for breakfast. Whatever he ate would probably come back up if he ended up letting his nerves get the best of him.

 

The bathroom was nice and clean, just as he left it. With a quick brush of his teeth and combing his hair into place, he slid his backpack onto his back and ambled out the door.

 

Just seeing the rowdy yellow school bus somersaulting in the distance already makes Evan anxious and god knows that’s just adding onto the ever present anxiety he had about talking to Connor.

 

He’ll skip out on taking the bus today. Also on the plus side, if Jared somehow happens to be on the bus, he’ll be avoiding spending time with him and being teased about how he broke his arm.

 

Evan and Jared -scratch that, no one ever remembered Evan first, so it was Jared  _ and _ Evan. Anyway, Jared and Evan were only friends because Jared’s mom and Evan’s mother had forced the two to be friends.

 

Jared would always be the one to bring up the fact that, “ _ We’re only friends because I want car insurance.”  _ or “ _ We’re just family friends Evan, don’t pull me into your problems like I actually care.” _

 

Their friendship was appreciated in Evan’s eyes. Jared, even if only a family friend, was the only friend that Evan had. He took every moment he could to at least pretend that he could call someone,  _ anyone _ , a friend.

 

A few kids teased and taunted him as the school bus drove by. It wasn’t something that he wasn’t used to, the only problem was that these were underclassmen, which would be the least bit embarrassing if any other seniors had noticed.

 

He can ignore it for the sake of not having a nervous breakdown in front of Connor.

 

Within 10 minutes, he was standing in front of the front office of the school. Evan didn't  know if he should have been ashamed of the fact that he spotted Connor’s brown flowing hair, or if he should have been astonished.

 

If you took a look at his report cards since Freshman year, you could easily tell that he wasn’t the most physically fit person you’d come across. Either that, or D’s in P.E. meant that you were an olympic athlete. 

 

His cast irritated him as he attempted to run as fast as possible to the delinquent, but God knows what would happen if Evan let his guard down for even the shortest moment.

 

Connor might get called on by a teacher to go help do something. A student might start talking to Connor, and Evan wouldn’t have the courage to interrupt them. Connor might see Evan first and try to run away.  _ A UFO might fly by and abduct Connor Murphy-- _

 

Okay. Maybe his anxiety isn’t the most trustworthy thing to be listening to right now. Especially since he made it this far without freaking out, he just needed to make it the last stretch of the way.

 

“Connor!” Evan called out once he was close enough.

 

Connor spun on his heels to face Evan, but his attention was turned downwards at the freckled boy who was bent over trying to catch his breath. 

 

“Oh god, you again.” Evan is still panting and  _ dying _ . “What do you want?”

 

“I-I wanted to explain- well, I need to introduce myself first, but about w-what happened yesterday--” Connor rolled his eyes as Evan sucked in a breath. “I didn’t mean a-anything bad when I had Zoe’s--”

 

Connor scoffed. “If you’re going to try to say the same thing as yesterday, save your breath.”

 

“N-no, but I really didn’t mean to upset you. I w-was just-”

 

“Just writing emails to Evan Hansen, I know! You can’t try to explain your way out of this!” He snapped. “I’m going to say this again, you and  _ Evan Hansen _ need to stop talking about my sister.”

 

Evan stopped, for the most part, breathing heavily and raised a confused eyebrow. His gaze flicked from it's spot on the floor to Connor’s much too annoyed face.

 

“I...I don’t- well, I do understand. I mean-” He exhaled sharply. “I’m Evan Hansen?? I  do-don’t understand what you mean.”

 

“That doesn’t make any type of fucking sense. You were exchanging emails with yourself? Yeah right.”

 

“Actually,” He wipes his clammy hand down his pant leg. “I was..I mean..T-they weren’t exactly emails. It was a letter? To myself. If you would ha-have, I mean, I hadn’t finished typing it all yet, but if I did..it would have c-closed off with ‘Sincerely, Me.’ So, yeah, Uh, I’m E-Evan Hansen.”

 

“I still don’t understand. That story is absolute bullshit. What does the ending of your little letter have to do with you being Evan Hansen?” Connor squinted uneasily. 

 

“W-well, I have therapy sessions, uh, after school once a week? T-that l-letter was due yesterday? I- uh, uhm, does that explain it?”

 

Connor thought it over for another couple of seconds and felt himself flush at the fact that he’d been the one in the wrong here. His cheeks were tinted a light pink because  _ God damn it, I fucked up...again. _

 

“I got you, Hansen.” Evan lit up.

 

“S-so, are we, uh, cool? Like- I don’t want to s-sound rushed, but we could be like- frie- I mean, acquaintances?”

 

“Whatever, I don’t care.”

 

“I forgive you, uh, by the way.” Evan tried, walking behind Connor now. 

 

Connor doesn’t give reply, and Evan doesn’t press him for one. The homeroom bell rings after a few beats of silence and Connor stalks off towards his own classroom. Evan mutters a “Bye.” before making his way to a less populated portion of the hallway and getting to his class hastily. 

 

Lunch was going to be spent alone again. Evan hadn’t seen Jared for the last two days, and he was pretty sure that the geek was still on vacation. 

 

Until further notice, he would probably alternate between lunch in the library and lunch in the boys’ restroom. Today was boys’ bathroom day.

 

His lunch tray was being balanced on both of his knees, an attempt to entertain himself. It wasn’t like he was going to eat anything on the tray anyway. Suddenly, the door swung open, startling him and making the tray and it's inhabitants clatter to the floor.

 

“Oh my god.” Connor’s tone is already irritated. “Of course I bump into  _ you,  _ Hansen.”

 

Evan just throws a small wave towards him, pushing the tray and it’s contents out of the way.

 

“Why are you in here? Where’s Kleinman?” He’s leaning against the sink now, and the fact that he’s towering over Evan, who’s sitting, is making Evan anxious.

 

“He’s, uh, on vacation I th-think? H-he hasn’t really contacted me.” His fingers are curling and curling around the hem of his shirt. “B-but It’s like, uh, really quiet and void of people in here? So, I- well I don’t really eat it, but, uh, I eat lunch in here.”

 

“That’s the saddest fucking shit I’ve ever heard.” Connor runs a hand down it face as if he’s contemplating something. “And this is what you do all of lunch? Just sit here by yourself?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Jesus, Hansen. I thought my life was pathetic.”

 

“So,” Evan tugs on his shirt as if it’s too small. “S-So, uh, w-why are you in here?”

 

_ Heck, that sounded awfully judgemental. Hurry Evan, fix it before you screw yourself over- _

 

_ “ _ Don’t get your panties in a twist over a stupid question. I was coming in here to smoke.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. “Like you said, it’s quiet and there’s like no fucking obnoxious students. But since you’re here.”

 

The way Connor’s eyes rest on Evan’s small form make him curl in on himself slightly. It’s like Connor is purposely trying to make Evan feel like shit- and, hell, maybe he is! All Evan can conclude is that Connor’s dull gaze is unsettling.

 

There’s the sound of sneakers against tile and Connor’s gone. The blonde boy hops to his feet, scrambling to follow after him.

 

He’s sure that Connor heard him follow out of the restroom, but the brunette doesn’t say anything until Evan’s walking cautiously beside him.

 

“Hansen, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”

 

“I- uh, I was just going to, uh, follow you?” Evan wrenches his hands together as he attempts to form a coherent sentence. “Not like a-a stalker or- any- something like that. I just wanted to hang out until the lunch bell rings?”

 

If Connor acknowledges his existence, he doesn’t do or say anything to prove it. He just continues walking forward until they’re in the library. 

 

The library is relatively silent, the only exception being a few rowdy freshmen getting to hyped over fidget spinners. The librarian has even walked over and told them to quiet down, but they only seem to continue their antics.

 

Connor walks all the way to the back section of the library, an older and worn down section, evident by the plentiful amount of spiderwebs present. There’s also a worn blue bean bag and when a small plastic chair missing one of it’s legs. 

 

The taller male ungraciously drops into the bean bag chair, leaving Evan to push the dismantled chair aside and sit on the bare carpet. There’s a few moments of silence, neither making any move to start a conversation until Evan breaks the ice.

 

“What’s y-your favorite color?”

 

Connor doesn’t look at him, instead shrugging his shoulders. 

 

“Th-that’s fine if you don’t h- I mean if you don’t l-like a specific color. Y-you can have two favorite co-colors, you know? Like, it dest- defeats the purpose of the word  _ favorite,  _ but y-you know what I mean? Like, my fa-favorite color is blue, but I don’t k-know what type of blue? M-maybe sky blue.”

 

“Isn’t sky blue for little girls?” Connor comments, eye’s trained on Evan’s face, clearly searching for  _ something _ . When Evan only responds with a weak shrug, Connor sighs. “I like Navy blue and burgundy.”

 

Evan nods. “Have yo-you ever cut your hair. Like, when- why did you decide to grow it out?”

 

The other is silent for a moment, and Evan’s sure it’s because of the random, one sided game of 20 questions he’s trying to initiate. 

 

Connor twirls a strand between his fingers before allowing it flutter down to his shoulder. “I had it short in middle school and it got a little longer in freshman year. I don’t know, I don’t like not having it resting on my shoulders.” He punctuated the sentence with another shrug. “Why isn’t yours long, Hansen? You searching for a gay hairstyle?”

 

Evan tenses a bit, but only stared into the deep depths of his lap. The jab is purposeful, as if Connor gets a laugh from riling Evan up. The smaller boy is trying to pay no mind to it.

 

“N-no, I just like m-my hair short. Long hair i-is itchy.”

 

Connor scoffs.

 

“F-favorite film?”

 

“What’s yours?”

 

“I-it’s embarrassing.” 

 

“Just fucking answer.”

 

“Like, the entire S-star Wars series?”

 

“You, Hansen, are the biggest loser I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying something. Nearly everyone in this school is a loser.” Connor shakes his head. “No one’s a bigger loser than you.”

 

They go on like this for half an hour. Evan asks some random and vague question that a teacher would ask on the first day of school and Connor replies either genuinely or with some crude insult. Evan always goes to try to explain himself or prove Connor’s statement wrong, but never letting Connor see him freak out over something so small.

 

“Wait,” Connor laughs, well it’s more of a devious chuckle, but you catch my drift. “So, you don’t have your license?”

 

“N-no. And, they said I c-can’t take the test for a mon-month.” Evan sighed heavily. “I can take it an 8th tim- I mean, again next month.”

 

Connor slaps a hand on his forehead. “Christ, Hansen! You’re pathetic!” 

 

Connor is slightly laughing, Evan notices, because he can see how his smile nearly reaches his eyes. The boy himself must have noticed too because he instantly goes to stand and lean against one of the bookcases compared to the much more comfortable position in the bean bag chair.

 

His arms were crossed over his chest tightly and his face now wore a tight lipped frown rather than the previously adorned smile.

 

He’s going to say something, but suddenly the lunch bell is blaring loudly above them. Evan jumps at the volume and the close proximity of the sound. His head swivels around to check if Connor has witnessed him being a scaredy cat, but Connor’s no longer towering over him.

 

Even though Connor’s not even in the library anymore, Evan still finds himself waving goodbye towards the exit as if he’ll get a wave back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> ~Comments, Kudos, and Bookmarks are appreciated!!
> 
> ~I highkey can't spell, so please correct me!
> 
> ~ALWAYS INFORM ME OF PLOT HOLES. IF I SOMEHOW RESURRECT A DEAD CHARACTER OR SOMETHING, PLEASE COMMENT ON IT.
> 
> ~Have a nice night! (Is it only me who reads fan fictions at 3 am?)


	3. Pantomime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The computer lab attendant still doesn’t even make it seem like he’s generally concerned about whatever Evan needs his help with, instead he’s making little paper footballs and dropping them into his backpack.
> 
> It’s getting embarrassing, just holding his hand up as he attempts to grab Connor’s attention. He’s pulling his arm down from its upright position, but it’s pulled back up by the junior from earlier."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I'm back with another chapter!
> 
> ~I stayed up until 2:30 am writing this, so I'm sorry if it seems rushed
> 
> ~Guess who's back from vacation??
> 
> ~I hope y'all enjoy this!!

The rest of the school day rushed by uneventfully and Evan would be lying if he wasn’t happy about it all. No one called on him to answer any questions and he didn’t get himself too worked up over the fact that he wasn’t issued an Environmental Science textbook like everyone else.

 

He initially intended on heading straight home, but he really wanted to get some editing in on those photos he took. Since most of his progress was _mysteriously_ deleted, he would have to redo it in any spare time he got.

 

Although, he wasn’t expecting Connor to be in the computer lab once he walked in.

 

“H-hey, Conn-” Before he could get the whole greeting out, a short boy jogged over to him.

 

The kid was significantly shorter than him, so Evan automatically assumed he was a freshman. He had a tank top on, displaying the bisexual flag across the front. His hair was messily sprawled across his head, but he seemed to be pulling it off as a fashion statement rather than a bad hair day. Not to forget the small portion of hair that was dyed red in the front, but it was dull now.

 

“Excuse me, I’m going to need you to sign in. After school computer lab access is restricted to students who don’t sign in.” He pointed out a clip-board. “Right there.”

 

Evan gave a small nod before walking over and signing his name and homeroom. For whatever reason, he felt obligated to start up some sort of small talk. Who knows _why_ he did.

 

“So, uh, h-how’s your first- freshman year of High School?” He started.

 

“First year? I’m a junior.”

 

“O-oh.” His face flushed red. “S- sorry, I just don’t- I don’t mean any offence b-by this, I don’t recognize y-you.”

 

“I’m not surprised. I’m in the class below you after all.” The brunette laughed. “My name’s Rich Goranski. Not that my last name is important, but you catch my drift.”

 

Evan let out a stiff laugh. “I’m Evan Ha-Hansen.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Evan! I’ll see you around?”

 

“Sure.”

 

_Social interaction is exhausting._ The blonde had concluded after taking a seat in one of the plastic swivel chairs. He booted up the Photoshop application before scanning the room.

_Huh. No sign of--_

 

“Why the fuck are you here, Hansen?”

 

He almost jumped right out of his chair and onto the floor at the sound of Connor’s annoyed voice.

 

“C-Connor! I w-was just working on- not a letter if you t-thought, but some editing? I-It’s Adobe Photoshop for the most part, but sometimes I u-use other applications.”

 

Connor simply shrugged, trudging back to the other side of the computer lab. By other side, he meant a small circular table at the back of the room that was littered with discarded sheets of paper and broken pencils.

 

Evan Hansen was an anxiety riddled boy, that was apparent, but that didn’t stop him from getting captivated with the things he loved. Editing photos that he photographed himself was somewhat a hobby that he found himself doing in Freshman year as a way to get more integrated with his love of nature.

 

A good hour and a half of peace and silence had passed before there was an odd clicking sound from his computer. He furrowed his eyebrows, but decided not to freak out over it. Another clicking sound emitted from the computer and a small spark of panic lit in his chest.

 

The first thing he did was glide the mouse to the top of the screen to click on the files tab and quickly save his image. Another 5 minutes passed and there hadn’t been another clicking sound, but Evan found himself going and saving the image again and again and again. Give it another 10 minutes and he went to once again save the image before--

 

“No, no, no, no, no!” The words were getting progressively louder, as he spoke. “Crap!”

 

He went to run his hands across the keyboard frantically in an attempt to get the screen to turn back on. That only made the problem worse, as the computer started back up, and flicked onto the infamous blue screen.

 

 

**A fatal exception OE has occurred at 0028:C562F1B7 in VXD ctpci9x(05)**

**00001853\. The current application will be terminated.**

 

**Press any key to terminate the current application.**

**Press CTRL+ALT+DEL again to restart your computer. You will**

**Lose any unsaved information in all applications.**

 

**Press any key to continue  _**

 

 

Evan could feel any and all joy he had just been feeling rush out of his body in an instant. Maybe if the computer wasn’t forcing him to flush all of his hard work down the toilet, he wouldn’t feel so bad. It was just the simple fact that the computer was actually _telling_ him to ‘terminate the application’ himself just made his stomach drop. Why couldn’t it just delete it itself?

 

Just before his finger hits the spacebar, a small idea pops into his head. Connor was supposed to be helping students, right? Why not just call him over?

 

_I don’t know, Hansen. Maybe because I want to enjoy time by myself without having to deal with your problems?_

 

Why Evan’s anxiety sounds like Connor Murphy of all people, Evan doesn’t know, but he does know that his hand shoots up like a firework once he clears the anxious thoughts from his head.

 

Connor glanced in his general direction, but doesn’t make a move to help him out. The polo wearing senior considers putting his hand down and just complying with the computer’s demands, but instead he’s waving his hand around frantically.

 

The computer lab attendant still doesn’t even make it seem like he’s generally concerned about whatever Evan needs his help with, instead he’s making little paper footballs and dropping them into his backpack.

 

It’s getting embarrassing, just holding his hand up as he attempts to grab Connor’s attention. He’s pulling his arm down from its upright position, but it’s pulled back up by the junior from earlier. Rich, Evan remembers.

 

“Connor, you’re the computer lab attendant, right? There’s a student in distress, and you’re not helping him.” He tapps his chin with his index finger. “I wonder what Mr. Zyke would say if he found out.”

 

With an over exaggerated groan and the sound of the chair screeching against the tile, Connor gets out of his seat and plods over to the junior and senior.

 

“You’re a fucking parasite.” He spits at Rich, and even though Rich flinches, he still gives Connor a lopsided smirk before returning to his own computer. “So, what the fuck do you need help with, Hansen?”

 

“My- not mine, the school’s- computer blue s-screened? I didn’t want to t-terminate the application because that’ll-”

 

“You don’t have to explain the obvious.” Connor pushes Evan’s chair over slightly. “So, all you have to do is-”

 

It only takes a second for Connor’s finger to tap a random key and completely destroy whatever work Evan had saved. Only a second, but to Evan it feels like minutes, even an hour.

 

_If that’s all I was going to do to help, you could have done it. Right, Hansen?_

 

Again, Connor’s voice sounds in his head and it's slightly unsettling because he’s so used to hearing his own voice in situations like this.

 

“I-I uh- is there nothing you can do to, I don’t know, r-retrieve the data?” Evan asks quietly. “I was working o-on something important, and I didn’t get to save?”

 

It was only 10 minutes worth the editing that he would be missing, but of course Evan translated it into an hour.

 

“Nope, regardless who you get to help you, your shit is gone. Too bad, so sad.” Connor shrugs, his fingers drifting to the CTRL+ALT+DEL buttons to restart the computer.

 

“Oh.”

 

There’s a moment of silence before the computer begins to restart with the obnoxious Windows XP startup chime. Lord knows why the startup noise on this computer is still outdated, but he doesn’t really care enough to ask why.

 

“There, don’t fucking call me over here again.” A glare is tossed to Evan and then to Rich, who’s snickering in his seat like he’s seen the funniest thing ever.

 

“O-okay. Thank you.” Evan gives a small nod towards him and slides into the spot where is chair had originally been placed.

 

The boy’s hand closed over the mouse once the computer was back on the home screen. He double clicks the Photoshop 2016 icon, the school was to lazy to update to Photoshop 2017. As the application started up, his shoulders slumped and he exhaled gently.

 

He wasn’t emotionally worn out or anything, but he wasn’t in the mood to go and redo the work he had just gotten done. It wouldn’t have been that hard to simply go onto Internet Explorer and start playing some internet games, but honestly, he wasn’t in the mood to scavenge the internet for a website that wasn’t blocked by the school administration.

 

Just as quickly as the application had started up, he clicked the red X in the corner of the screen. He slid out of his chair and pushed it into the computer. Not sure whether or not to shut down the computer, he opted to keep it on just in case someone else needed to use it.

 

As he walked out of the room, he noticed Connor’s attention drift from the paper football he was making on the table to Evan walking out of the room. Usually, Evan would have offered a small wave, but he just _knew_ that Connor wouldn’t react, and oddly enough he wasn’t in the mood anyway.

 

The walk home from school was peaceful, Evan making comments to himself about the falling leaves and giggling to himself once a leaf drifted from its tree and directly into his hair. He slipped his phone out of his back pocket and stopped walking. It didn’t take much time to get the right lighting and snap a quick picture of himself laughing like an idiot at the leaf.

 

Once at home, he dropped his backpack right where he stood. Anxiety getting the best of him, he thought, _What if your mom walks in, Hansen? What if she trips over your backpack and snaps her neck? It’ll be all your fault._

 

So of course he immediately moved his backpack to the couch.

 

Warily, he eyed the 5 dollar bill on the counter. Not only was there not enough money for him to order anything decent, but his mom apparently completely forgot that he doesn’t like to order out on his own.

 

Surely there were TV Dinners in the fridge or maybe a microwaveable pizza, ovens make him anxious, but he’s not in the mood to stay awake and wait for his food to finish cooking. There shouldn't be a problem with him skipping out on another night of dinner, right?

 

He’s in his bed curled up under the covers before he knows it. With all of the excuses that he’s ‘not in the mood’ he expected sleep to come within minutes of his head hitting his pillow, but sleep doesn’t come for another hour or two.

 

~~

 

When Evan arrives at school, he half expects to see Connor in the same exact place as the previous day, but he doesn’t. He’s plans on going to homeroom early, but stops in his tracks when he hears the loud booming music playing in the school parking lot.

 

Sure enough, Connor’s car is parked in the parking spot reserved for the teacher of the year. He’s been parking there since he first got his car, and no one’s had the courage to tell him to park somewhere else.

 

Evan doesn’t recognize the song playing, but he admits that he likes the vibe that the music gives him. He begins to shuffle towards Connor’s car and he’s pretty sure that Connor groans the second he spots Evan. Evan pushes through the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach and continues until he’s directly in front of Connor.

 

“Uh, Hi.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes and pushes past Evan to continue walking, and it’s almost as if he wasn’t even there. Evan, of course, follows behind him.

 

“What song w-were you playing? I wasn’t stalking- I don’t know how I could- but your music w-was really loud? I don’t mean that as an insult, I just liked it. The music. That’s what I liked. Music.”

 

Connor gives him this look and it makes his stomach twist and churn like he’s a kid who’s stolen from their mom’s purse. He’s trying to be friends with the taller male, but Connor is making it hard to be in a comfortable position where he can act like himself.

 

“They’re called Arctic Monkeys. Ever heard of them? Or are you just not emo enough?” Connor raises an eyebrow.

 

“Is- I don’t think I understand?” Evan’s already on the stage of anxiety where he starts tugging and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I want t-to know the name of the song?”

 

Again, Connor gives evan a pointed look before answering with a sigh. “Yeah, Whatever. It’s called Arabella. It’s on Spotify or whatever it is you use to listen to music.”

 

Evan gives a nod and quickens his pace so that he’s walking beside Connor rather than trailing behind him. There’s a silence hanging in the air, and of course Evan is the one who switches their mutual silence out for a nearly one sided conversation.

 

“So like, do you d-drive your car everywhere you go?”

 

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “I wouldn’t say everywhere I go. Mainly just when I’m too lazy to walk somewhere, which is basically all the time-- So yeah. I drive everywhere.”

 

The first bell sounds and Evan can’t help but notice that Connor has unconsciously walked him to his homeroom. He won’t say anything of course, but that won't stop him from thinking about it.’

 

“Well, uh, s-see you at lu- in 2nd period? I think?”

 

Connor doesn’t even reply and just turns on his heels and begins to walk towards the stairs. Evan’s 98% sure that he’s not actually going to class, but of course he’s not going to call him out on it.

 

Homeroom isn’t eventful in the least. Ms. Annie had been ranting about how the new freshman had been irritating and dramatic about everything. The sophomores and juniors laughed because only years before she was talking crap about them being the worst students.

 

Getting to tech class was fairly easy with the exception of the students who were mindlessly staring at their phones or those couples who think the hall is the perfect place to be trading saliva.

 

Upon entering the class, Connor was already stationed in the back of the class at the small circular table he had been sitting at the day before. Evan decided to sit one seat away from his usual seat because _like hell_ he wanted a repeat of the previous day’s events.

 

“Alright everyone, today you’re going to be learning about the magic of photoshop.” Mr. Zyke’s voice came from beneath one of the desks. “Just let me get this gum out of my hair and we’re good to go.”

 

Mr. Zyke never really did get that gum out of his hair. More or less, he ended up teaching the class with a bright pink piece of gum stuck to the top of his head. The next day, he’d probably show up with his long hair cut into a bobbed hair style.

 

“So, open up your Photoshop applications. It's the dark blue one in the top right of your screen.”

 

Evan already knew his way around the computer. Sure, he wasn’t a tech wiz like Jared was, but he knew more that the average High School senior could say they knew. Regardless of his knowledge on the subject, he was going to try to listen as much as possible.

 

But, listening is a difficult thing to do when there’s people like Connor Murphy fully stocked with paper footballs.

 

First, it was only one or two that had hit Evan in the back and landed on the desk. But then, Connor took initiative to try to make as many land in his hair as possible without them falling out. Mr. Zyke might have noticed, but Evan was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was to captivated with teaching the lesson.

 

One particularly aerodynamic one flew directly past Evan’s nose and into Rich’s neck. Rich made a small gagging noise as if he had been stabbed in the jugular or something, but only flicked the paper killing machine back at Connor.

 

Temporarily, Connor’s attention was pulled from Evan to Rich. They engaged in a full on war and Evan was just caught in the crossfire. Connor didn’t stop bombing Rich until he accidentally hit Evan and was reminded who his initial target had been.

 

Let’s just say that by the end of class, Evan was carrying paper footballs in his hair, in his shirt, and he was sure that a few might have made it into his pockets and his pants.

 

“Christ, Hansen! You know you could have shot them back at me or something!” He wheezed, slamming his hand on the table as he laughed.

 

“I-I didn’t want to accidentally poke you in the eye!” Evan said frantically, only making Connor laugh harder.

 

“Just go fucking clean yourself up, my god.” He snorted. “I really don’t fucking care what you do.”

 

“I- I’ll go do that. Uh, I’ll be back.” The shorter boy rushed out of the room at that, zig-zagging through students to get to the boys restroom.

 

In all honesty, Evan should have noticed the glasses shine down the hall. If that wasn’t visible, he should have spotted the white shirt bearing the word ‘Kinky’ across the front. The blue plaid shirt, unbuttoned of course, should have been noticeable too, but Evan hadn’t even batted an eye at the figure until his ‘name’ was being shouted across the hall.

 

“Tree fucker!” The insanely cool Jared Kleinman cried out. “Slow down!”

 

Evan stopped dead in his tracks, some of the paper footballs falling from his shoulders and to the floor. When he turned, Jared was quickly _rolling_ towards him. Yes, Jared was fucking riding down the hallway in a pair of _Heelys_.

 

“Jared makes an entrance!” The boy shouted once he skidded to a stop in front of Evan. “What in the world happened to you?”

 

“Hey to you too, Jared.” Evan sighed softly. “I was g-going to the bathroom to get all of these off of me.”

 

Jared plucked one of the triangular papers from Evan’s hair, laughing softly. “Are you getting bullied again? You’re a senior dude, why are you letting underclassmen bully you?”

 

“It wasn’t an underclassman, Jared.” Evan ran a hand through his hair, causing some of them to fall to the floor. “It was Connor-”

 

“Murphy?? You let Connor Murphy pick on you? What did he tell you?” Jared coughed as he attempted to do a bad impression of Connor. “ ‘If you let me use you as a target, I won’t kill you when I shoot up the school.’ Oh my god, it’s priceless!”

 

“He’s not a school shooter, Jared.” Another sigh escaped his lips. “He’s just playing around.”

 

“Playing around! Evan he’s going to drop his textbook on the floor and when he drops his books, he’s going to--”

 

“He’s not a school shooter Jared!”

 

“Alright alright, I’ll stop. Just remember to save your best friend Jared when he _does_ shoot up the school.” Evan shoves the other softly and Jared only laughs in reply.

 

“So, where h-have you been?” Evan asks after a few beats of awkward silence.

 

“Oh, so basically we were on vacation in Korea after my robotics competition. Mom and dad were too tired to catch the flight on time, so we stayed for another day.”

 

“Oh? How was the r-robotics competition?”

 

“Our team only won 2nd place, but I guess it was cool.” Jared shrugs. “So, you mentioned Murphy. Word on the street is you and Murphy have been hanging out.”

 

“If you think we’re doing anything i-illegal, we aren’t! Just talking to each other during lunch.”

 

“I never said anything about being illegal. I was going to say that he’s paying you to be his personal bitch. You know, his fuck buddy.”

 

“WHAT. N-no! It’s nothing like that, Jared! Jeez!” He felt his face heat up.

 

“Admit it~ You know at night time he thinks of you while rubbing his nip-”

 

“JARED I SWEAR P-PLEASE STOP.”

 

“Evan and Murphy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” Jared chanted, skipping around Evan in a circle. “How much is he paying you a week? Oh shit, did he pay you to marry him too? When’s the wedding?”

 

Evan, completely done with Jared’s shit, began to walk back to the Computer lab. Jared followed of course, still chanting and making kissing noises. Evan turned on his heel, about to scold Jared for the millionth time, but he instead was cut off by the sound of an alarm.

“Fuck. You’re lucky I have a robotics club meeting right now. Have fun with your boyfriend Tree Fucker!” Jared called out as he rolled off to the quad.

 

Evan released a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair. He got peace and serenity for literally 0.5 seconds before Jared rolled back into the hallway.

 

“Fucking watch your back, I’m going to hack your ass.” Jared laughs. “Jared Kleinman, out!”

 

Evan feel strangely calm at the fact that Jared wasn’t around. He might have previously stated that he appreciated he and Jared’s relationship, but that doesn’t stop him from being annoyed at nearly everything Jared says.

 

The teen is literally a walking meme, and not even the good ones. The ones that clearly have too much effort put into them. You know, you laugh at them because you need to give them a pity laugh or they’re just so stupid that they’re funny.

 

Maybe Evan’s describing himself more than he’s describing Jared.

.

.

.

.

Yeah, He’s definitely describing himself.

 

The computer lab is void of people when Evan enters-

 

“Evan! What are you doing here? Isn’t it lunch?” Rich’s voice sounds from across the room.

 

“U-uh, hey. Have you s-seen Connor?” He stutters, messing with the collar of his shirt.

 

“Oh.” Rich rolls his eyes. “He went off towards the restroom, but I doubt that he’s still there.”

 

“Thank y-you. Have a nice d-day!” He waved slightly as he exited to room.

 

Just as Rich had said, Connor wasn’t still in the restroom. He could distinctly smell the weed present, and didn’t know if he should feel bad for immediately deciding that it was because of Connor.

 

The librarian gave a glare at Evan the second he walked into the door. After 4 years of attending the school, Evan had never once offered a smile or a wave towards that librarian, so her behavior was explained. Kind of.

 

Just like the previous day, there are freshmen crowded around one of the center tables, but instead of fidget spinners, now they’re having a conniption over a fidget cube. One of them, the tallest of the group, is continuously pressing the buttons on the cube as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

 

Evan doesn’t understand why the new generation gets _so_ obsessed with simple things so quickly, but he can’t lie and say that he hadn’t spent 10 dollars to buy a fidget spinner off of Amazon. He lost it somewhere around 2 days later, but it was fun while it lasted.

 

“Connor!” Evan finds himself grinning once he spots Connor slumped in the beanbag.

 

Connor rolls his eyes, but doesn’t tell Evan to leave.

 

The two are silent, but it’s not as tense as usual. A small smile is present on Evan’s lips and even though Connor isn’t smiling, he isn’t frowning either. So, that’s a positive outlook on things.

 

Without his computer, Evan can’t type his letter, but he makes a note to himself in his head:

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Jared is back from vacation and he’s still as Jared as ever. Connor doesn’t seem to dislike you? He doesn’t exactly show any emotion towards you besides when he purposely teases you, but it’s a start right? You might actually have a friend beside Jared. You just have to have hope._

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

And for a brief second, Evan actually believed himself. He and Connor could be friends if they really tried. He actually had a chance-

 

“So, Hansen. Why the fuck have you been pestering me for the last couple of days?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope y'all enjoyed this!!
> 
> ~Jared is my ignorant child
> 
> ~I'm trying to have a peaceful balance between everything
> 
> ~I'll be back soon!
> 
> ~My twitter is @smolchiinerd
> 
> ~My Instagram is @makayla.nonstop
> 
> ~Please love me
> 
> ~Kudos, Bookmarks, and comments make me smile!!


	4. Propinquity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Before Evan can even process what’s happening, Connor has Evan’s phone and is typing rapidly, thumbs dancing across the screen."
> 
> Even in texting was less stressful than phone calls, that doesn't mean texts cause any less drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Y'all, I'm back with more depression! I really have nothing better to do than writing new chapters for all of my fics, please save me. I write these chapters for y'all instead of sleeping.
> 
> ~Regardless, I hope y'all enjoy! My beta is on vacation for a month, so this is un-beta-ed unless you consider Grammarly a credible source?
> 
> ~Yes, Grammarly needs to sponsor me right now.
> 
> ~Please.

“I’m sorry, what?”

 

Alarms were going off in Evan’s head. He’d done something wrong or somewhere along the way, there was a miscalculation with the amount of luck he’d have in one day.

 

“Don’t pretend you’re innocent. You’ve literally coming to find me during lunch every day, and ask me the most generic questions. Like, why the fuck are you so set on becoming my friend, Hansen?”

 

Though his voice seems calm, Connor’s eyebrows are furrowed together and he’s staring directly at Evan. His jaw is moving back and forth as if he’s gnawing on his tongue in his mouth. Evan knows instantly that he’s upset, but he doesn’t know  _ why. _

 

“I just- uh, I-I just wanted to be friends. Y-you know?” Evan tries, his eyes avoiding Connor’s at all costs. “I thought that we s-settled everything?”

 

“Yeah yeah, I get  _ what _ you’re trying to do, but I don’t understand  _ why  _ you’re doing it.” He spat as if the words coming out of his mouth were bullets. “Why would you want to be friends with the school shooter? Don’t you have other friends?”

 

“I mean, Ja-Jared? But like, we’re only family f-friends.” Playing with the hem of his shirt seems to show Connor that Evan isn’t exactly comfortable talking about Kleinman right now, so he interrogates about something else. “Besides that, I’ve got no one.”

 

Connor briefly thinks about how absolutely  _ pathetic _ that sounds, but realizes that he’s really no better. “You do realize that I don’t like you, right? I don’t want to be friends with you. I never asked you to come fuck around with me.” 

 

One second, Evan is staring blankly at the ground, and the next second he’s shaking slightly while holding back tears. The situation went from a good 10 to a 99 within a minute and the poor blonde can’t handle it. All of his hope of friendship is snatched away from him, and it seems as easy as stealing candy from a baby.

 

“I-I didn’t mean to hurt yo-you. I just wanted to b-be-” He can’t stop himself from sniffling slightly, a few tears rushing out of his eyes. “-friends. I just wanted to be f-friends, Connor.” He whined.

 

Connor Murphy never handled tears or crying well. He was never a child who cried easily, so he had a firm belief that he didn’t know how to handle others crying.

 

When he and Zoe were younger, Zoe was always the clumsy one. She was the one who’d run down a hill and end up tripping over a blade of grass. She was the one who’d hide somewhere during hide and seek, but be unable to get out of her own hiding spot. 

 

When these moments came to strike, Zoe would always end up in tears. Connor always tried to comfort her and calm her down, telling her it was alright and that their parents would be there soon, but there was only one time he actually managed to stop her tears.

 

So you can see his panic when he noticed Evan’s shaking frame and the very few tears leaking involuntarily from his eyes.

 

“Crap, Hansen, just- stop- don’t cry over it.” He raised his hands cautiously before running a hand through his hair. “Look, if you stop bawling your eyes out, I can talk. I can’t explain if you’re crying.”

 

Evan nodded slowly, rubbing harshly at his face with the good arm. He hadn’t been crying that much, only a few tears had broken free from their prison, but that didn’t stop Evan from feeling the least bit embarrassed and weak.

 

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry.” He apologized, trying to sit up straight. “Why don’t- you can speak now. If you want of course. Don’t listen to me. Sorry.”

 

Connor sighed. “If  _ you’re  _ really  _ that _ desperate for friends, we can hang out. Just  _ please  _ don’t cry again.” He pushed out the words anxiously, not exactly sure if he was the one who put them together or not. It sounded foreign coming out of his mouth.

 

“Seriously- uh, that sounded rude. I just mean, y’know, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

 

_ That’s great because I certainly don’t want to be friends with you of all people, Hansen.  _ But that’s not what came out of his mouth.

 

“I’m fine with being friends. Don’t have a conniption over it.”

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

There’s an awful silence and makes both of the boys anxious. It’s tense and it feels like swimming through the pool of Jello, and you can’t move.

 

Connor refuses to feel so  _ open  _ and  _ vulnerable _ , so he breaks the silence by reciting his phone number aloud. You know, the normal human thing to do in this situation.

 

“ **_212-479-7990_ ** .”

 

“What?” Evan looks at Connor now with a cocked eyebrow.

 

“Uh,” He starts, feeling the sweat already present on his face. “Give me your phone. So I can put in my phone number and stuff.”

 

“Oh, uh, here you go.” Evan fishes into his breast pocket, pulling out a gray Tracfone and handing it over to Connor. “There’s not a password. Passwords take too long to input and I feel rushed to get into my own phone? So, yeah. Sorry.”

 

Connor visibly cringes at the small gray phone in his hand. It's beaten up and scratches are present on the sides, but he doesn’t verbally say anything. Thinking about what he’d say? Sure, but hurting the boy’s feeling by voicing an unneeded opinion? Hell no. He instead simply inputs his number as he had suggested.

 

He hands the phone back to Evan, who’s smiling slightly. “Should I put my number in your phone? I don’t have to you know, but-”

 

“Just put your damn number in my phone, Hansen.” Connor sighs airily, handing over his own iPhone. Nothing special like the god forsaken iPhone7+, but an iPhone 6 was enough for him.

 

Evan did as told quickly, handing his phone back over. Connor laughs at the way Evan handles the phone like a child and finds himself laughing harder when Evan’s cheeks light up a pink tone.

 

“I noticed before and I didn’t say shit, but your cast is blank.”

 

“Oh ye-yeah. I already said-”

 

“-you don’t have friends.” Connor finishes. “Can I sign it?”

 

“Oh, uh, if you want to?” 

 

Connor turns to his backpack but stops when he sees Evan doing the same. He decides not to keep looking just to give Evan that little bit of satisfaction that he did something. 

 

Evan passes him a blue sharpie, and Connor takes it, pulling off the cap. He stared at the blank white cast for a good couple of seconds before signing his name on it in big blue blocky letters.

 

“There. My masterpiece is done.”

 

“Oh..uh, thank you.” Evan stared at the name with furrowed eyebrows.

 

The day’s lunch break isn’t much different from the previous lunches they shared together with the exception that Evan can assure himself that Connor is somewhat comfortable with his presence. They have a nice conversation about bamboo plants, and you guess who started the conversation. 

 

“I’m just saying, I don’t see why you’d give your  _ father  _ a bamboo plant for father’s day.” Connor rolls his eyes.

 

“It’s supposed to be meaningful!” Evan huffs. “When you gift bamboo to another person, it gives them good luck and good fortune!”

 

“I know my dad would probably want some baseball gear or a year supply of newspapers rather than some bamboo plant. He’d end up killing it.” Connor scoffs. “What, would _ your dad _ want bamboo?”

 

Evan pauses, taking it as a genuine question. “I...I actually don’t know?”

 

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

 

“I haven’t seen my d-dad in years. I wouldn’t know a thing he likes.” Evan shrugs. 

 

Connor raises an eyebrow. The question doesn’t seem to make Evan uncomfortable or jumpy. He’s kind of fine with it. As if he’s content and okay with the situation and there’s no way to reopen that wound.

 

“Sorry.” Connor says simply, not sure how else to respond.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“I’m seri-” Connor is only cut off by the sound of the lunch bell going off, to which he hops to his feet and Evan’s face holds a startled expression.

 

“Calm down, Hansen. It’s just the lunch bell.” Evan sighs. “It’s a half day, right?”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Evan nods. “So, after school, can we- you- I meet you at your car?” 

 

Connor looks at him, squinting at him skeptically. He seems hesitant to answer but still does so. “Sure, Hansen. Meet me at my car.”

 

The two give their goodbye’s before going their separate ways. Connor going off to the courtyard and Evan going to his third period. He distinctly remembers Jared’s name being called during roll on the first day of school, and his distant memory is confirmed when he spots Jared sitting in the back row playing on a red 2Ds.

 

Evan never really paid attention in his 3rd-period class, hell, he didn't even know what was being taught at the time. He was trying to pay attention, for once in his entire high school career, but any prospect of that was ruined when he felt his phone buzz in his breast pocket.

 

**Connor Murphy: yo hansen what are you doing right now**

 

Evan looks around the classroom nervously. The teacher is going over a lecture, reading off of the slides projected on the board and quickly clicking through the presentation faster than any students could take notes. He genuinely wants to commit suicide as he begins to type out a response.

 

**You: Oh, hye Connor. I’m in thrid period.**

**You: hey****

**You: third****

 

He leans back in his chair. Then there are a few more vibrations.

 

**Connor Murphy: you really go to youre 3 period? youre such a nerd**

 

**Connor Murphy: you should skip class with me**

 

**You: I woulrf rather not. I need to keep my grads up.**

**You: would****

**You: grades****

**You: I’m srry**

**You: sorry****

 

**Connor Murphy: stop apologizing**

 

**You: I don’t know how to say I’m sorry for sayign I’m sorry without saying I’m sorry.**

**You: saying****

 

**Connor Murphy: just dont say sorry**

 

**You: Okay. I’m sorry.**

 

**Connor Murphy: oh my god**

  
  


Connor doesn’t send a reply after that, and Evan is both disappointed and relieved. He wants to continue the conversation, but he also doesn’t want to risk getting his phone confiscated and then his mom has to leave work just to come and get it, and then she’s going to be mad at him, and then she’ll ground him,  and then he’ll get expelled, and then he’ll be arrested, and then he’ll-

 

A wad of paper slaps him in the back of his neck, and maybe he reacts  _ too _ overdramatically, because he ends up slamming his forehead against his desk loudly. This attracts the attention of several nearby students, so he keeps his head against the desk until he’s managed to calm his racing heart at the students’ attention.

 

He expects another wad of paper, but instead there’s a vibration from his phone.

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: l00k @ me u asshole**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: u nvr pay attn in clss anywy**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: e v an**

 

**You: Hey, Jared.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: do u hv a ds chargr**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: mines hs a shrtage**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: hlp me u fckr**

 

**You: I don’t bring eleronics to school.**

**You: electronics****

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: u brng ur phone tho**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: so stp lyng**

 

**You: A phone charger is different than a DS chargre.**

**You: charger****

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fne fck u anywy**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: ill fnd a chargr myslf**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: bye btch**

 

**You: Bye.**

 

Evan releases a heavy sigh, feeling Jared’s eyes boring into the back of his head. He feels like a great weight is lifted from his shoulders when he hears the school bell sound. Within seconds, his backpack is pulled onto his shoulders and he’s booking it out of the door.

 

Early days had been Evan’s favorite days. Not only does he get out of school early, but he only has to spend 1 period with Jared. 

 

Jared used to have computer class with him, but he swapped it out in favor of taking another AP class. It wasn’t his idea, it was him mom’s, but in the end, Jared had ended up liking advanced classes more than he thought he would, so Evan was separated from Jared.

 

There was another vibration from his phone, and Evan had half a heart not to reply because he was convinced that it was just Jared trying to harass him again. He drew his phone out of his back pocket and released a heavy breath when he saw that the text was from his mom.

 

**Mom: Hey sweetie! I happened to get off early today, and I was making dinner! ;p I was thinking mashed potatoes and steak? Text me when you’re out of school! Love you! ;)**

 

The impending thought of having to sit at the dinner table face to face with his mother forced him off of his phone. Dinners with his mother were possibly one of the most uncomfortable things that Evan had ever encountered.

 

Apprehensive questions and topics must have been attracted to his mother because she always seemed to come up with the most distressing things.

 

_ “Oh, Evan, do you remember you used to climb trees when we went to the park on Saturdays?” _

 

_ “What about that cute senior in the student council? You would prefer to have a crush on that junior rather than a senior?” _

 

_ “Why didn’t you order pizza? I left you money, right?” _

 

_ “Did you write your letter for your therapy session today?” _

 

_ “Why don’t you ask someone to sign your cast today?” _

 

Deep down, Evan knew that his mom meant no harm. She loved him more than the world but had a hard time juggling him around with her job and her night classes. Regardless, that didn’t change the fact that Evan couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her for too long.

 

“Hansen!” Standing beside his car, a black Toyota Camry, Connor cupped his hands together and shouted through them. “Why are you just standing there?”

 

The blonde boy tried to ditch the lurking feeling of impending doom in favor of running over to his friend-

 

The word sounded weird in his head and on his tongue. As long as it was being used with context to Connor,  _ friend  _ would never really sound like a normal word anymore.

 

He jogged over to the black car, stopping about a foot away from Connor and stepping back when he realized how close he was. “Hey, C-Connor.”

 

“What’s up, Hansen?” Connor leaned against the door of his car. “You seemed out of it over there. You high?”

 

“No!” He protested. “I don’t smoke. It’s just my mom t-texted me and I was thinking of how to reply.”

 

“You reply to your mom’s texts?” In favor of replying, Connor just ran a hand down his face. “Look, if you don’t want to reply, don’t reply. If you don’t know how to reply, then don’t reply. Simple shit, Hansen.”

 

“It’s really not that easy.”

 

“Sure it is, what did she say?”

 

There was a brief moment of silence as Evan scrambled to once again pull his phone out of his back pocket. It took a few moments for him to get back to his messaging app.

 

“So she says she’s m-making dinner tonight because she got off of work early and she’s waiting for me to text her after school. S-she probably doesn’t know that today is an early day.”

 

“What’s the problem with that?” He’s not really confused, but rather looking for a specific answer from Evan. “You don’t like her cooking or some shit?”

 

“Not exactly? It’s like dinner is- not always- but always uncomfortable with her? And she always- sometimes likes to ask questions that I can’t answer? And I don’t like- don’t want to have dinner with her sometimes.”

 

The face Connor makes is kin to confusion, but he nods like he understands anyway. “I..I get it.” There’s a pause. “Here, let me see.”

 

Before Evan can even process what’s happening, Connor has Evan’s phone and is typing rapidly, thumbs dancing across the screen. Evan makes a grab at the phone, but Connor slides into the driver’s seat of his car, knowing that the smaller boy is too respectful of boundaries to climb into the car without permission.

 

Instead, Evan anxiously stands outside of the car while fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He notices the loose thread and can’t help but begin to tug on it as he waits.

 

“Hansen, get in.” Connor orders once he’s sent the text. “You just standing there is uncomfortable.”

 

Evan nods, walking over to the passenger seat of the car and opening the door. It takes a few tries because his hands are damp with sweat. “So, uh, w-what’d you send?”

 

“Read it yourself, I’m too lazy.” The phone flies through the air before landing in Evan’s lap.

 

He picks it up, allowing his eyes to scan over the words before resting his head against the dashboard. “I’m g-going to be sick.”

 

“First of all, not in my fucking car.” Connor starts, gesturing to the open passenger door. “Second, why? All I said was that you super excited to have dinner.” Connor snorts a bit, and Evan’s sure that he knows what he did was the  _ opposite  _ of what Evan wanted.

 

“I said I-I didn’t want to have dinner!” Evan’s voice is still soft despite his exclamation. “And you- I let you text her that.” He sighs sharply.   
  


“Calm it, Hansen. What would you have texted her?”

 

“Well,” Evan starts, tapping a random beat onto his cast with his free hand. “I was going to ask if you were busy? U-uh, then if we were hanging out I-I could have an excuse to not go. So. Uh. Yeah.”

 

“Too bad I’m busy.” Connor laughs again, eyes trained on the blonde boy. When Evan doesn’t reply, Connor rolls his eyes. “I’m totally joking. I’ll be your little scapegoat, Hansen.”

 

“You aren’t a scape-”

 

“Just remember you owe me a favor because I could be off high somewhere.” Connor muses, staring off towards some juniors, obviously higher than Michael Mell in his basement. “High as a kite.”

 

“You don’t have-”

 

“Too late!”

 

And Connor’s pulling out of the parking lot now. Realization strikes faster than lightning when Evan notices that  _ the passenger door is wide open and I don’t have a seatbelt on. _

 

“ _ Connor!”  _ Evan’s terrified gasp only causes laughter. “Connor,  _ please.”  _

 

“Just shut the fucking door, Hansen! I’ve got ya.” He chuckles lightly, placing his arm across Evan’s chest. He’s like those soccer moms who are super anxious to have their kids in the front seat because  **_Every Stop Sign is a Death Trap._ **

 

Evan wraps sweat slicked hands around the door handle before tugging it harshly. It slams shut with a satisfying  _ bang.  _ Again, Connor can only seem to laugh at how completely frazzled poor Evan was. The seatbelt was tugged across his chest faster than lightning while Connor settled with the dangers of wearing no seatbelt. 

 

“I’ve considered death so much it feels like a memory,” Evan found himself when Connor ran a red light and made a sharp right turn.

 

“Lighten up, Hansen, I’m not going to crash.”

 

“You’re going 20 m-miles over the speed limit!” He cried out. “Just slow down, please.”

 

As told, Connor slowed down, but by slamming his foot on the brake. Evan was held back from jerking forward by his trusty seat belt, but Connor wasn’t as lucky as his head connected with the steering wheel.

 

“Fuck!”

 

“I don’t want t-to be rude or anything, but-”

 

“Don’t say it-”

 

There was a beat of silence and Connor’s glare  _ dared  _ Evan even try to complete the sentence. The  _ normal  _ Evan would have shrunken back and remained silent for the rest of the ride. The  _ normal  _ Evan would have considered opening that door again and rolling out onto the pavement. Well, you only live once, y’all.

 

“-I told you so.”

 

Anger was an emotion that flashed on Connor’s slightly red face, eyes still focused on the road as he pulled off from where he had stopped, but it was soon replaced with sheer surprise.  _ Evan Hansen  _ of all people had just pulled an ‘I told you so’ which was insane considering who he was and who he was talking to.

 

The surprise was replaced by laughter, much to Evan’s confusion. Rather than asking why he was laughing, or remaining silent, Evan laughed along with Connor. Not as loudly or pronounced as Connor’s snarky laugh, but it was certainly there. Their bubbly and crooked laughter was only cut off when Connor made a sharp turn into a worn down parking lot.

 

“Well, tree boy, we’ve arrived.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope y'all enjoyed!
> 
> ~I had a bit of fun writing this actually!
> 
> ~But I struggled because MY BETA ONLY WAS ABLE TO CHECK HALF OF IT.
> 
> ~Again, I hope y'all enjoyed!
> 
> ~Kudos, Bookmarks, Comments, and everything else can cure my depression.
> 
> ~If you want to save an aspiring theater actress' life, leave a comment, please. For only one comment a chapter, you're saving a poor girl's life.


	5. Vexation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Evan hesitantly ceased texting, backing out of the texting app to open the phone app. His mom was the only one on his favorites list, so it didn’t take long for him to swipe right to initiate a call.
> 
> She answered on the first ring."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I'm back with another chapter! 
> 
> ~My beta is still on vacation, so this is not beta-ed! 
> 
> ~Hopfully you enjoy!

“Where are we?” Evan’s confused tone filled the small car.

 

“It’s an orchard. An abandoned one.” Connor began to speak while opening up his door and climbing out of the car. Evan scrambled to undo his seatbelt to do the same. “I figured you wouldn’t really mind what we did as long as it was devoid of people, so enjoy.”

 

Maybe Evan shouldn’t have thanked Connor as much as he did for simply choosing a place for them to hang out, but he did it anyway. It was just the idea that Connor had considered little ol’ Evan a factor in where they would go. It made Evan feel all warm inside.

 

“Hansen, what did I say about saying thank you?” The brunette scolded as he picked the lock on the worn iron gate with a bobby pin.

 

“Actually you didn’t say anything? You said I c-couldn’t say ‘Sorry’ but I didn’t?”

 

Connor’s hands stilled for a moment before they continued to work on the heavy lock. “You got me there.”

 

Taking the flat tone as Connor being upset, Evan immediately went to apologize, but Connor hushed him before he could even get past the first stutter.

 

“Don’t even try it, Hansen. You’re allowed to stand up for yourself you know.” The lock clicked open and Connor smirked slightly at his accomplishment. “Just because I’m a dick doesn’t mean you have to  _ let me  _ be a dick. Now C'mon. “

 

Evan followed after him silently, wrapping a loose thread around his index finger. He stopped fiddling with it once his brain supplied an image of him getting his finger amputated all because he’d gotten it stuck in a loose thread. Yeah, he’d better stop while he could.

 

“So,” He maneuvered his way around apples and half raked piles of leaves. “What are we going to do a-anyway?”

 

Connor didn’t reply immediately, but once they were far enough into the orchard, surrounded by several large Birch and Oak trees, he stopped and brought a hand to his chin. “I don’t know, how about we climb some shit.”

 

Evan pauses, looking around at the trees in an attempt to delay his impending panic, but it only really makes it worse. “Well, there’s only trees a-around here, and they aren’t r-really safe to climb?”  _ Look who’s talking.  _

 

The other boy doesn’t hear, or if he did he doesn’t care to take Evan’s advice as he starts to scale a particularly short Birch tree. Evan tenses up, running a hand through his blonde hair. 

 

“Connor, I really don’t think-”

 

“Aren’t you going to join me, Hansen?” There’s a mischievous and playful smile on Connor’s lips as he wraps his hands around a branch and hauls himself atop it.

 

Determined not to upset Connor, Evan wills himself to walk towards the tree and grab ahold of a low hanging branch. His eyes are settled on the bark right in front of him, not injured hand wrapped around the branch, and he realizes how  _ sick  _ it makes him feel. He’s much too close to the tree, and it makes him dizzy just thinking about hauling himself up there just a couple of feet off of the ground.

 

“No thank you, I-I think I’m fine down here. Yeah. Down here.” He steps away from the tree as if it holds a foul aroma or a poisonous gas.

 

Connor glances down to him, only a few branches off of the ground, but still too high for Evan’s liking. “What, you afraid of heights?”

 

Evan tenses. “No, I’m not. I just..I just enjoy- I would rather be on the ground.” He explains and Connor laughs as he grabs for an  _ obviously  _ weak branch. “Connor!”

 

The boy laughs snarkily, pulling his hand back. “Aw, you’re worried about me, aren’t you Hansen?”

 

“N-no! I mean- yes, but please that’s a weak-  _ Connor!”  _ Connor’s smile hasn’t deviated from the playful smile. In fact, it grows wider at Evan’s distraught face and the way Evan darts beneath the branch he’s seated on as if he going to catch him when he falls. Something stupid like that.

 

“Connor! You’ll break the branch! You could fall!”

 

“Yeah, and you’d know, wouldn’t you?” The question is purely rhetorical and not in any way supposed to actually  _ hurt  _ Evan.

 

The question visibly makes Evan flinch before he shakes his head harshly. “I-I just-”

 

Connor sighs guiltily, but still rolls his eyes as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll sit on a lower branch. Since you’re about to flip your shit over it.”

 

Evan briefly considers defending himself by claiming that he wasn’t about to ‘flip his shit over it’, but he settles on a simple, “Thank you” instead. 

 

Connor climbs down a couple of branches before settling on a nice sturdy one, swinging his legs back and forth. They aren’t talking, Connor looking off distantly at the rows and rows of trees and Evan staring at the brunette fondly. It takes a few moments for him to realize that  _ holy shit it’s the perfect photo opportunity. _

 

Hastily, he pulls his phone out of his breast pocket and turns on the camera. The phone’s camera is honestly total shit, but he doesn’t have the money to get a better one and he’s too afraid to ask his mom.

 

Evan’s camera doesn’t have a flash or a shutter sound to alarm Connor that his photo is being taken, but Connor just has that feeling. You know, the feeling of being watched. He glances to the side, spotting idiotic Evan with his arms outstretched so that he can get a semi-clear photo of Connor.

 

“What in the world are you doing?” Connor squints at him, leaning forward slightly in an attempt to come off as more menacing.

 

The self-acclaimed photographer jumps a bit dropping his phone out of his hand, but swinging his hand down to catch it just in time. “O-oh! I just- the tree- it- well--”

 

“Delete it.” 

 

“It’s a really nice photo, Connor-”

 

“I don’t fucking care, just delete it.” He whines exasperatedly, tilting his head backward.

 

“What if I-I just-” Evan seems hesitant to complete his sentence, but with the way he’s been acting this entire time, why the fuck not just continue? “-I just refused to delete it?”

 

“I  _ will  _ fucking take your phone and delete it myself,” Connor smirks, satisfied with his douchebag behavior.

 

“I-I think that you would have to c-catch me first.” Evan begins to back away slowly as if he’s giving Connor the chance to start yelling at him for being rude and an asshole, but Connor fucking  _ jumps out of the tree. _

 

His landing is shaky because he uses his hands to keep himself from falling on the floor, but Evan will give him an 8.5. Connor puts his hand out expectantly, waiting for Evan to give in and hand him the phone. As if he’s a 6-year-old who knows he’s stolen a piece of gum from his mom’s purse. 

 

Connor must admit he’s pleasantly taken by surprise when Evan turns around and bolts in the opposite direction of his outstretched hand.

 

“I’m sorry!” Evan calls out over his shoulder, a laugh hanging onto the end of his apology.

 

“Evan!” Connor calls out before breaking into a sprint. 

 

Evan has concluded that somewhere between the car ride here and the current situation, he had  _ lost  _ his mind. Not only had he been teasing and joking around with Connor, but he had the audacity to take his photo without permission!

 

Now here he was fucking running around an abandoned orchard like a madman trying to escape an even  _ madder  _ man. It was insane, really it was. At some point, he ducked behind a group of trees, holding the phone close to his chest as he attempted to catch his breath.

 

An excited smile was etched into his face and he had no idea  _ why.  _

 

Evan Hansen never really had a childhood. From the time his father drove away from the house, never looking back, Evan had become the man of the house. He didn’t have friends growing up as an effect of his growing social anxiety and the fact that his mind was occupied with things that a 12-year-old should have to worry about.

 

“ _ I wonder if mom is going to make enough money to buy dinner tonight.” _

 

_ “Mom might need to look through her resume again if she wants to get that job.” _

 

_ “You can take college courses online if you can’t afford the commute to work, mom.” _

 

_ “You can get your prescription when you get mines.” _

 

No kid wanted to hang out with the kid who didn’t even act like a real kid. The only thing that Evan could confirm that actually kept him a ‘child’ instead of some middle aged man in a kid’s body was his love of climbing trees. 

 

All of his classmates had been fairly impressed with his ability to climb the highest tree on the playground, but no one ever really wanted to get to know the  _ weird grown up kid who climbed trees _ . 

 

Yet, here he was with the most exhilarating feeling in his chest as he hid from Connor Murphy. At that moment, he was that kid again, the one before his father bid them goodbye forever. That kid who’d talk to any stranger who accidentally made eye contact.

 

“I fucking got you!” Connor cried out as he tackled Evan to the ground, snatching the phone from his hands. “Now see how I feel!”

 

Being tackled had left him a bit disoriented, but he was able to pull himself off the ground after a few seconds of lying there dumbly. He let out a quick breath before taking off after Connor.

 

And that’s how it continued. Evan chases Connor, pries the phone from his hands and runs off, vice versa. At some point, they’d abandoned the phone and just began playing a game of tag.

 

Evan had never felt freer. The cold crisp hair breezing past him as he ran after Connor. The excited smile on both he and Connor’s lips as they ran through piles of leaves discarded on the floor. Connor’s hair flowing behind him as he rushed to climb onto a low branch in a tree.

 

The blonde boy is bent over, hands on his knees as he breathes heavily. “A-alright, you win.” More breaths as he laughs softly. “Y-you can delete the picture.”

 

Connor is breathing heavily too, it seems because it takes a moment for him to muster enough energy to speak. “I don’t have your phone, Evan. How am I supposed to delete it?”

 

The first place Evan looks in his breast pocket, as it is the first place he goes to place his phone. When he finds the pocket empty, he checks for it in his jean pockets. It’s not there either. He considers it is in his backpack, but remembers that he’d ditched the backpack in Connor’s car.

 

“C-Connor.” Evan’s voice is already starting to quiver, his good mood becoming nothing but a distant memory. “I can’t- I don’t have- where is my-” 

 

He’s becoming frustrated with the inability to form a sentence, and it seems that Connor understands. “Look, take a deep breath. We’ll just look for it.”

 

Taking a deep breath, he nods and stands beside Connor who has his phone’s flashlight to see through the grass only slightly visible by the light of the bright moon.

 

They walk side by side, Evan gnawing on his already dull fingernails while Connor scolds him softly while also searching for the small Tracfone. Evan will occasionally say something about never finding it, but Connor would chide him and try to convince him that it will be found.

 

“Evan-” Connor is cut off upon slipping on some unidentified object. Evan stumbles forward to try to catch him before he falls, but can’t handle the speed of Connor falling and tumbles down with him. 

 

“Fuck.” The brunette curses, running a hand through his hair as he propped himself up on his elbows. “The hell was that?”

 

Evan, laying face forward in the grass, lifts his head up and squints at the small gray object lying a few inches away from Connor’s feet. With a few seconds to think about what the outline looked like, Evan finally identified it as his missing phone.

 

“It’s my p-phone!” He called out happily. “I can’t believe we found it!”

 

“I fucking told you. Just learn how to trust me, will you?” Connor nudged the other as he rose to his feet. Glancing at the phone’s lock screen, he let out a yawn. “It’s like 11 pm, let’s book it.” Evan expected Connor to hand over the phone, but he’d instead scoffed softly  _ then  _ handed it over. “Damn, you have an awful amount of notifications.”

 

“It’s probably just a game or something.” He nodded softly to himself, remembering all of the puzzle games he had downloaded on the phone that had probably been trying to remind him of a new offer for hint coins or something.

 

Oh, boy was he wrong.

 

**23 Missed Calls.**

**31 Unread Messages.**

**Heidi Hansen is trying to message you on facebook.**

**Momma.Hansen sent you a snap!**

**Heidi.The.One liked your photo.**

**New Comment on your video.**

**Heidi.The.One liked your video.**

 

Evan froze where he stood.  _ Oh god oh god oh god, what if she’s hurt? What if there was a terrorist attack on the way home and she’s at the hospital in critical care, what if a plane- _

 

“Hansen!” Connor’s voice pulled him from his troubling thoughts. “You’re talking out loud. What the fuck happened?”

 

“My mom- she sent me- she comment- I don’t know what happened to her-  _ What if- _ ”

 

Connor stopped that train of words before it could leave the station, placing his hands on Evan’s shoulders. “Evan, calm down and just breathe, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do. Check her texts and see what’s up  _ before  _ you start having a panic attack.”

 

“Right- r-right. Okay. Right.” 

 

**Mom: I’m excited about dinner!! ;] I can’t wait!**

 

**Mom: I forgot you got out of school early today! ;} Where are you? :’(**

 

**Mom: Evan, sweetheart, I’m getting worried. Please text me.**

 

**Mom: Did you go on a field trip?**

 

**Mom: Evan, where are you?**

 

**Mom: Evan**

 

**Mom: Call me back.**

 

**Mom: I just finished dinner, call me back.**

 

**Mom: Evan Hansen, text me back right now.**

 

**Mom: I called Jared, and he said you aren’t over his place, where are you?**

 

**Mom: EVAN!!**

 

**Mom: I’m really worried Evan, don’t make me go to the plice station**

 

**Mom: police**

 

**Mom: Evan**

 

**Mom: Evan it’s been hours, where in god’s name are you?**

 

**Mom: EVAN HANSEN, ANSWER ME.**

 

**Mom: Evan!**

 

**Mom: Call me back**

 

The texts from there on were just repeats of ‘Evan, call me’ over and over. Evan felt bile rising in his throat but quickly swallowed it down. He began to involuntarily shake, willing himself to begin texting back a hasty reply until Connor stopped him.

 

“It’ll take too long to text her, call her.” He said simply, eyes glancing off to the side as he leaned against a tree cooly.

 

Evan hesitantly ceased texting, backing out of the texting app to open the phone app. His mom was the only one on his favorites list, so it didn’t take long for him to swipe right to initiate a call.

 

She answered on the first ring.

 

“He-”

 

“ **_Evan Hansen._ ** ” Her voice is completely seething with rage, and it sends terrified shivers down his spine. “Where in the world are you right now! You’ve been out of school for 11 hours now! You had me worried sick, and I’m over here about to round up a search party for you.  _ Where are you?” _

 

Evan swallows down more bile that refuses to obey, but he doesn’t speak until it goes down. “H-hey, mom. I, uh, well, I was with C-Connor- well you wouldn’t know- unless you met him somehow- and I doubt-”

 

“You’re out with  _ some boy  _ at  _ 11 at night?!”  _ She cried out incredulously. “What in the world were you thinking? You didn't even consider calling me or anything, did you?”

 

“W-well, I th-thought I d-did, I swe-swear. Connor and I were- well it’s not important- but we’re at an orchard- and well-”

 

“Well nothing, Evan. I want you at this house, right  **_now._ ** ” 

 

The call is hung up before Evan can even get in any sort of reply. The trembling boy doesn’t even know what to think in this situation. He remotely registers Connor in front of him, shaking him and crying his name out. The main thing he recognizes is Connor’s hands on his shoulders and it feels like they burn to the touch.

 

“D-Don’t! Please- I just- I can’t-” Evan chokes out, his legs giving out beneath him. He expects for his body to make harsh contact with the floor, but there Connor is in all his glory, just barely keeping Evan standing.

 

“Hansen. Hansen.  _ Evan!  _ You aren’t breathing.  _ Fuck.  _ I can’t have you pass out on me, Hansen!” Connor calls out desperately while struggling to uphold Evan’s weight.

 

The boy doesn’t exactly do as told, but he manages to weakly stand on his own, legs wobbly beneath him. From Connor’s grief stricken expression, he can tell that he still isn’t breathing. It’s like he completely forgot how to breathe in the first place.

 

“In, Evan! Breathe in! Fucking hell-” The brunette cries out, obviously distraught and confused as to how he’s supposed to help. Evan hears him mumble something about CPR, but isn’t stable enough to comment on it.

 

Evan does as instructed, breathing in. But what does he do now? After you breathe in you breathe- That’s where the instructions stop. He doesn’t know what to do next. Now he’s going to die and leave Connor traumatized.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck _ -

 

“Alright, next you breathe out, Evan!” Connor is trying helplessly not to get upset with the boy, but he can’t help it because who in the world forgets  _ how to breathe?  _ “It’s common sense!”

 

Everyone reacts to being yelled at differently. Some people get scared. Some people get angry. Some people find themselves getting sad and emotional. Evan Hansen just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone more than he already has, so when Connor shouts out instructions to him, he follows them so proficiently he could be a robot.

 

When the fresh air reaches his lungs, it's like dousing a flame with ice cold water. The burning feeling is slowing being extinguished with every breath he takes. Soon enough he goes from not breathing at all to breathing much too quickly.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Evan, you aren’t going to be able to catch your breath if you’re breathing that fast-”

 

It takes a moment for him to piece together what he’s being asked.  _ Fast. Too fast. Breathing. He’s breathing too fast. Okay. He can slow down. He can do that. He can do that. _

 

And he manages to actually slow his breathing to a decent speed.

 

“Thank fucking God. I’m going to guess she wants you home.” Connor doesn’t leave space for discussion as he begins to lead Evan back to the car. It doesn’t take more than a few minutes to get to the car, and another 3 minutes for Evan to register that they aren’t even in the orchard anymore.

 

Evan doesn’t speak. It’s not that he doesn’t want to speak, he really doesn’t want to speak, but he doesn’t think he could speak. He feels like he’s going to throw-up is he opens his mouth for even a second. Not only that but keeping his mouth shut keeps him from grossly sobbing in Connor’s presence. So the car ride is silent.

 

“Evan. We’re here.” 

 

Evan jumps slightly, eyes scanning the area outside the car and he finds that Connor is right. There’s his mom’s car pulled into the driveway, and the mailbox with too much mail stuffed into it. The porch swing that Evan’s grandma had bought for his mom a couple of Christmases back.

 

“Oh.” His voice came out raspy and he shut his mouth just as quickly as he had opened it. Hesitantly, he mustered out a thank you.

 

“Don’t think about it. Just get in there and explain yourself.” Connor advised, eyes flitting over to Evan before landing on the steering wheel. 

 

“G-goodnight, Con-Connor.” 

 

“Night, Evan.”

 

Connor watched Evan as he walked into his house. Even when the boy was inside and the door was shut behind him, Connor found himself still sitting in front of his house. The car’s engine was still running, but he couldn’t seem to pull away from the house.

 

It wasn’t for another 5 minutes until Connor realized how much of a psycho he was being. He rested his hands on the wheel and pulled away from the house.

 

Somewhere in that brain of his, he blamed himself for Evan getting in trouble. Maybe if he wouldn’t have taken the phone and texted his mom, she shouldn’t have been as upset. Maybe if he would have just lied and told Evan he was busy, Evan would have been at home having an uncomfortable dinner with his mom.

 

Wait no.

 

It was Evan’s own fault for forgetting to call his mom. It was his own fucking fault this was happening to him. Hell, Connor wouldn’t even be having this debate with himself if he wouldn’t have agreed to befriend Evan. A couple of days ago, he barely knew who the kid was, now they were friends?

 

Right. Whatever. Connor had nothing to do with this. Nothing to do with it. Evan wanted them to be friends and Evan wanted to avoid the dinner and Evan forgot to call his mom. It was all Evan.

 

Meaning it was also Evan’s fault that Connor was much too worried for it to be healthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope y'all enjoyed! 
> 
> ~I wrote this instead of sleeping, so feel grateful.
> 
> ~I tried to keep it peaceful for like 4 chapters, so don't blame me
> 
> ~This is like the only fan fic I have that has an outline, and I'm still not proud of how it played out.
> 
> ~Anyway! See you soon!


	6. Clandestine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Evan was hesitant to open the door, acting as if when he opened it there would be an Amazon jungle growing inside his living room. Obviously, the living room was kemp and tidy, except for a throw pillow that lay on the floor. But Evan would be Evan, what could you do about it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry or the lack of updates! School has started back up for me and I have had several auditions coming up that have taken nearly all of my attention. This has been written for a week now, but I haven't had the time to upload it. I'll try to get down on writing the next chapter as soon as possible. Again, I'm terribly sorry.  
> ~This is un beta-ed, so I apologize for any errors.   
> ~I hope you enjoy!

Do you remember coming back to class in 5th grade after recess? You probably just finished a good game of tether ball or hand ball or whatever game it was that made your little elementary school heart start racing.

 

So think of that. You’re hyped, sweat on your forehead because you just became king in 4 square, but the air in the classroom in cold and tense. Upon actually looking around the classroom, you notice you’re teacher is sitting on their desk with their legs crossed over one another. 

 

Looking into their hand, you spot a handful of tests. You immediately realize that they are the math tests that the class took last Tuesday. Any normal student can comprehend that the class has collectively failed the test. You have that feeling of dread and guilt in you chest because you hadn’t even cared about the stupid test until now.

 

That’s how Evan feels.

 

Upon entering his house, he can feel the cool air of the AC on his skin. He rubs at his arm with his hand in an attempt to warm it up, but all he can feel is goosebumps.

 

Heidi is sitting on the kitchen counter, phone clutched in her left hand with her legs crossed. Her eyes are red and puffy, but that doesn't make the deadly glare she’s giving Evan any less menacing.

 

Her anger is practically radiating in waves, slowly forming together to form one big tsunami that will sweep Evan off to some remote island.

 

“M-Mom, look I wasn’t- I was trying to- I wasn’t t-trying to hurt you or a-anything. It’s just t-that my f-friend wanted to hang out. W-we got- it was- we were just-” He inhaled sharply through his nose, the sound of mucus and snot clogged in his nostrils was  _ not  _ a pleasant sound. “I-I guess I forgo-forgot to text you to ask if I cou-could be out in the first p-place.”

 

His initial plan was to just tell the truth and hope that his mother realized that he really didn’t mean to forget to text her. Half way through that plan, he realized that his mom should, and would, be more than elated to find out that Evan was out with a friend. It should have dispelled her anger for the most part. So, he used Connor as a...a scapegoat of sorts.  _ He was right, he was my scapegoat. _

 

Not a very good scapegoat it seems.

 

“That’s no excuse, Evan!” She cried out, sliding off of the counter. “Do you know how worried I was? I was just about to call the police! I was going to call a neighborhood search party for you! But you-  _ you _ weren’t even in any sort of danger! You were just out there having fun with  _ some boy,  _ while you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

 

“I me-mean, it’s not like I s-should have been worried.” He spits.

 

“And what is  _ that  _ supposed to mean?”

 

“Well, i-it’s not like- not like you’re usually home any-any-anyways.”

 

“My god,” She runs a hand down her face. “You always try to bring it back to this. You always try to pin the blame on me, Evan! I’m working to get money for  _ you  _ to go to college! I’m going to school to get a better job that that  _ you  _ don’t have to live in poverty! Everything is for you!”

 

“I-I never asked you to d-do any-anything for me! I never asked y-you-”

 

“This isn’t about that,  _ Evan _ . “ Heidi spat angrily, walking dangerously close to Evan. “It’s about how you blatantly ignored me just because you wanted to hang out with  _ some boy.  _ “

 

“It was a-an acci-accident, mom! You t-h-hink I would  _ ever  _ do something that terrible to you!?”

 

“Nowadays I don’t know, Evan.” Her voice fell silent, as if unsure of what to say next. “I don’t know. You never want to talk to me. There’s  _ some boy  _ that I didn’t even know you were hanging out with? When were you going to tell me that, Evan? Huh? When were you going to tell me about how you missed 2 periods on the first day of school? Huh?”

 

“It wa-wasn’t impor- it didn’t matter at the t-time!” He cried out, not even bothering to fight the onslaught of tears that forced their way out of his eyes. “Y-you know I-love you, mom.”

 

“Do you? I do everything for you. But what do you do for me?”

 

Evan seemed to stop trying to argue, shoulders resting and arms falling lax at his sides. Heidi bit her tongue, as if she hadn’t intended for that to come out that way, but it was obvious she meant it nonetheless.

 

“You’re grounded. For a month.”

 

He opens his mouth as if to protest, but bites down on his bottom lip to keep from letting out any unwanted sounds.

 

“You will go  _ directly  _ to school and come  _ directly  _ back.” She ordered. 

 

Rather than trying to force out a reply, he nods solemnly before dragging his feet to his room. One second he’s thinking of the quickest route to the tallest tree in the world and the next second he’s laying on the floor of his room like the Vitruvian Man, staring at the ceiling through tear filled eyes.

 

He lets out a harsh sob that leaves his throat with a burning feeling. Not realizing how stupid of a move it would be, he brings his hands up to wipe the tears from his eyes, but his cast connects with his left eye and the bridge of his nose. 

 

Evan yelps, but this inevitably leads to another waterfall of tears. He’s wailing now, like some baby who dropped their pacifier on the floor. Somewhere in his head, his anxiety is trying to tell him that  _ you’re being too loud  _ and that  _ you’re going to wake up everyone within a 5 mile radius with this insolent bawling.  _

 

An effect of crying hysterically, you don’t have the mental capacity to be listening to anxiety. There’s snot dribbling out of his nose on onto his upper lip and it’s totally the grossest thing that he hasn’t grabbed a tissue to wipe it yet, but there are more trivial matters than some nasal mucus with a mind of it's own.

 

Right now, Evan really just needs to calm down. The only thing his brain can supply as a method of cooling off is typing on his computer. He’s not exactly in the mood to write something structured like one of the essays due for school or one of his letters. So he’ll settle for typing literally whatever comes to his mind.

 

His fingers keep missing the correct keys because he can’t see where he’s typing and the tears keep dropping onto his keyboard. In all honesty, he can care less how many spelling mistakes there are, so long as he gets all of these god damned feelings off of his chest.

 

He hates how heavy his chest feels as he writes, but not because his lungs are clawing at his ribcage, but because there are so many things he wants to  _ say  _ but he can’t find it in himself to ever say them aloud.

 

Although he didn’t realize it, his fingers began to slow on the keyboard, now only managing to type one key at a time with how tired he was. He groans tiredly and his casts slams against his keyboard as he falls limp.

 

Despite his belief that he’d fallen asleep, he realizes that he can still see the dimly lit walls of his room. His computer has gone into rest mode, the battery too low to keep the computer on. 

 

Evan tries to remember if he saved what he was typing, but decides that he really doesn’t care if it had saved or not. Eventually he drifts off to sleep.

 

~~

 

“Evan, I’m leaving!” His mother shouts distantly, sentence punctuated by the slam of a door.

The blonde boy goes to push himself up off of his bed, but his hand connect with the hard ground. Groggily, he turns to spot his “missing” bed and groans loudly. It only takes a few seconds for the effects of sleeping on the floor to catch up and he shudders at how cold the tile feels beneath him.

 

He stands and bends backwards which elicits a cringe worthy  _ pop _ . Evan winces once the noise reaches his ears, but doesn’t let that slow him down. This morning he doesn’t have time for trivial things such as breakfast and worrying about how crooked his spine will end up in the long run. 

 

By the time he begins to exit his room, he’s tugging on a shirt, but this one is a plain white polo rather than his usual blue striped polo. There’s a navy blue cardigan held loosely in his right hand as the decision to wear it is flitting around madly in his head. In the end, he slips in onto his slightly wide frame.

 

On the counter sits a note and a crumpled up 5 dollar bill. Evan’s lips twitch into a disgruntled frown as he grabs the money and stuffs it into his back pocket. He doesn’t dare pick up the note because he doesn’t want to be the idiot who has his feelings hurt for the rest of the day because of some stupid note his mother wrote. Okay, he can’t take the suspense of not knowing.

 

_ I took some extra shifts, so I won't be home until late tonight. I left money for you, buy a pizza or something. If you can. Call me the second you step off campus to get on the bus.  _

 

And that’s all it says. Evan bitterly crumples the note, tossing it into the trash can the second he walks by it. There’s no, ‘Have a good day at school!’ or ‘I love you, I’m so proud of you!’.

 

Given the circumstances, she’s totally entitled to do as she pleases. He made a terrible mistake, and now she’s punishing him for it. He doesn’t deserve and good luck or praise for making it through the school day, because he completely screwed up and it’s all his fault.

 

The blaring of his cell phone knocks him out of his head. He glances at the screen and reads the white lettering. It’s his ‘5 minutes until the 30 minute warning alarm goes off’ alarm. 

 

Evan dismissed it quickly before stuffing his phone into his pocket and swiping his backpack from the space beside the couch. It’s only a couple of seconds before he’s out the door and walking down the road, ignoring Jared’s shouts from one of the windows of the yellow school-bus.

 

~

 

“Evan!” Connor calls out loudly.

 

Evan’s body moves slowly as his gaze lifts from the sidewalk to spot Connor bounding towards him. Connor’s hair bounces with every step and Evan cracks a light smile at the sight. Once he’s close enough, Connor stops with a few light breaths. 

 

“Ev, what the fuck happened to you? You look like shit.”

 

“Thank you.” Evan comments sarcastically, ignoring the surprised look on Connor’s face. “My mom basically-”

 

“Hold the fucking door. Alright, now slam it shut. You sound like you got ran over by a car but then the car realized how much of a pushover you are and decided to run you over again.”

 

Evan gives a look as if trying to shut Connor up before he says something offensive and Connor complies. Instead, the taller boy shakes his head softly.

 

“No, but seriously, text me what the fuck happened.” He probably won't admit it aloud, but the soft frown of his face and the way his eyebrows furrow speak paragraphs. Connor Murphy can’t deny that he’s worried.

 

When Evan gets his phone out, he quickly takes the time to type a rather long paragraph explaining everything rather than sending 100 little texts trying to convey what went down. Oddly enough, it only takes Connor a few seconds to read the whole thing, which made Evan wonder why the boy had a bad grade in his english class.

 

“Holy shit, really? That’s fucked up.” Connor says simply as he scans over the text again. “I mean, it’s kinda your fault.”

 

“Kinda?” Evan rasps before letting out an awkward chuckle. “It was totally my fault!”

 

Connor sticks his index finger in his ear, acting as if he’s cleaning it out. “What did I say about talking? You’ll just screw your voice up more and you’ll make me go deaf from the sheer terribleness of it all.”

 

Evan mutters a soft ‘sorry’ before fiddling around with his thumbs. Connor shoots him a sympathetic look, but it comes out more angry than sympathetic, which puts Evan on edge.

 

“So, are we skipping class today?” Connor queried as his kicked a crack in the sidewalk with his scuffed black converse. “I mean, you aren’t going to be able to participate with your voice sounding like  _ that _ . “

 

“I can try?” The anxious boy shrugs lightly as he begins to walk towards his homeroom. “Plus, my- my mom knows about me skipping class on the first day so- so I’m kind of in trouble for that too.” 

 

“But you weren’t even with me on the first day,” Connor’s face spread into a bright grin. “Oooh~ Did the goody two shoes Evan Hansen skip class on his own?”

 

“It’s n _ o _ t like that!” He cried out, voice cracking mid way. Connor gave him a look telling him to shut up, but didn’t cease his teasing.

 

“Evan Hansen the bad boy! You heard it here folks! Evan Hansen is a rebel!” 

 

A few people slowed their pace to see what Connor was shouting about, but walked off with little snickers once they realized  _ who  _ he was yelling about. As if Evan could be a bad boy on his own-- hell, he’d probably only ever be considered a bad boy if he hung out with Connor long enough. Maybe his ignorance and negativity would transfer to Evan, and his anxiety would disappear.

 

It wasn’t like Connor knew  _ why  _ he wasn’t in class. If he told Connor that he’d been having a panic attack in the restroom, Connor would probably laugh or pity him-- he’d be a joke. Even worse, if he told that he was having attack because of what Connor did, he’d probably make Connor feel guilty. And while he probably should have felt guilty, Evan didn’t have the guts to inflict that sort of pain on his new friend.

 

“Hansen? Yo, Ev!” Connor’s hand was wrapped around Evan’s forearm tightly, but he put his hand in his sweatshirt pocket when Evan’s eyes landed on where Connor’s hand once was.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You nearly walked into a herd of freshmen. You know how fucking retarded and savage freshmen are, they would have eaten you alive.”

 

“I did?” He began wrapping the hem of his shirt around his index finger to the point where he lost feeling in his finger temporarily. “I’m sorry, I just-”

 

“I already know, I’ve been there.” Connor said simply, gaze fixated ahead of him. “How about we just skip class. They won’t even notice you’re gone.”

 

“But,” Evan fretted, rubbing the fabric of his shirt against each other. “My mom is going to find out I s-skipped class and-”

 

“I know someone who works as an aide for the attendance office during 6th period. If anything, you’ll be marked absent for all of your classes until 6th period where he can change everything.”

 

“Are you a-absoluetly sure? I really don’t-”

 

“ _ Listen Evan.  _ You can’t go into a frenzy every time something gets to you. Just let me handle it.” Connor make an exaggerated breath in and an exaggerated breath out, signalling for Evan to do the same. It came shakily, but Evan managed to settle down nonetheless. 

 

When they began walking towards the soccer field at the back of the school, there was nothing but dead silence. Connor held Evan’s hand loosely, not commenting on it or making any jokes about how gay this was. Evan’s face was positively flushed red and he was trying to stop himself from pulling his hand out of Connor’s in fear that his friend could feel how sweat slicked his palm was.

 

“So, what are we going to do?” When Connor didn’t reply immediately, he went on. “If we’re going to be smoking, I think I’d better go to class, I’m not into that stuff. Mom says that’s what delinquents do, you know, smoking drugs-”

 

“Smoking drugs?”

 

“Yeah, like cocaine?”

 

“You don’t  _ smoke drugs,  _ Evan.”

 

“Why not?” The boy’s eyebrows furrowed. “You smoke cigarettes, so why wouldn’t you smoke drugs?”

 

“That’s just not how the grammar works out.” Connor shrugged. “You  _ do drugs  _ and you  _ smoke  _ a specific type of drug. Like- pot. You smoke pot or crack, but you wouldn’t say that you smoke drugs.”

 

“What the heck!” Evan huffed, the raspy tone still lingering, but slowly fading away as time went on. “I’ve been saying ‘smoking drugs’ ever since I knew what drugs were!”

 

“And how long have you known about drugs?” Connor bit his bottom lip as he waited for a response.

 

“Since I took health my sophomore year.” He grinned proudly.

 

“Fucking-” Connor erupted into laughter and covered his face with his free hand, not willing to let go of Evan’s hand. 

 

Evan bashfully glanced away as he tried to hide a smile. “What? Were you smoking drugs in middle school?”

 

“Yes!” Connor barked out another chorus of laughs as Evan tried to make himself appear unaffected by the current conversation. “Ev, I swear, I lost any sort of innocence I might of had when I turned 13.”

 

“13! That’s insane.”

 

“Hey, a guy’s gotta do what a guy's gotta do.”

 

Soon enough, they arrived at the soccer field and sat on the inside of one of the goal posts. They sat their backpacks on the floor and leaned against them in order to avoid lying directly in the muddy grass. 

 

Evan’s eyes drifted to he and Connor’s interlocked hands and then his eyes met Connor’s. Quickly, he shifted his eyes to a few random students running the track.

 

“Connor..are we friends? Like, what are we?”

 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Connor replied with wrinkled brows. “It’s whatever you think it is.”

 

Evan resisted the urge to laugh. “It sound like we’re dating or something.”

 

If he didn’t know better, Evan would say that Connor had snapped his neck with how face he swiveled his stare to Evan. “Hey, uh, I wouldn’t go that far. “ He laughed nervously. “We only met a few days ago.”

 

“So, not friends?”

 

“Oh, we’re friends. Just don’t go around acting like you’re the shit because you finally got a friend, Hansen.” The way that Connor squinted at him was scrutinizing. “Who knows if that shy boy persona you’ve got is just a facade.”

 

“I-it’s not!” Evan objected. 

 

“Sure~” Connor hummed. “I’ve got an idea.”

 

The brunette hopped up quickly, fixing his shirt and pulling up his pants once he was standing fully. Evan’s hand was indeed sweaty, but he relished in the warmth that lasted a few seconds after Connor’s hand’s absence. 

 

“What?”

 

“Let’s head back to the orchard. We can talk and shit and you can prove that you’re not a fraud.” He twirled a random strand of hair between his fingers as he spoke. “I could drive you home afterwards.”

 

“I’m not a f-fraud!” Evan stammered before addressing the suggestion. “Sorry. And, uh, my mom says I’m only allowed to go h-home and back? So, uh, yeah.” 

 

“That’s cool. Totally cool.” Connor glanced at the floor momentarily before meeting Evan’s gaze. “How about we hang at your place?”

 

“My house?” Evan echoed, scratching at his cast gently. “Why my house?”

 

“Trust me, you don’t want to be at my house,” Connor cracked a smile. “You’ll wish you never came.”

 

Evan weighed the options at hand in his head. Connor’s house was out of the question, and while Evan thought that the prospect of getting to know Connor better by seeing his house was a good idea, he also didn’t want to be criticized by the people Connor was closest to. The orchard was a no go for obvious reasons, and any place outside of the school was out of the question. 

 

So, it was Evan’s house or remain at school. In all honesty, Evan really didn’t want to disappoint Connor by saying no. Plus, he had no idea why he would say no in the first place. His mom never said that he couldn’t have friends over, but there was probably a hidden meaning behind that. 

 

“Alright...my house it is.” 

 

“Yes!” Connor mustered a grin before he turned to Evan. “I was going to say that it’s not like your mom’s home. You should be able to have friends over.”

 

Evan laughed softly. “Yeah, she can’t ban me from having friends over if I don’t have any friends.”

 

Initially, Connor had laughed along with Evan’s small giggles before his face dropped. “Holy shit, Hansen, don’t make self deprecating jokes because I make them.”

 

Evan really can't recall Connor making any particularly self depreciating jokes if he had made any at all. Regardless, he apologized and agreed not to make any more self-loathing jokes.

 

“Do you have Netflix?”

 

“Uh, no? Mom says that it’s not worth it when there’s cable TV that she’s paying for.” 

 

“Ew, who watches Cable anymore?” Connor grimaced. “I can add your name to my account-- I swear to god if you watch anime, I’ll disown you.”

 

“Does the Death Note movie count?”

 

“ _ I absolutely ban you from watching the Death Note movie.”  _ Connor stated simply.

 

“Why? It wasn’t bad-”

 

“It wasn’t bad? It didn’t follow the original storyline at all!”

 

Evan blinked a few times before dumbly tapping his index finger against his thigh. “There’s an original storyline?”

 

Connor recoiled as if he had been slapped in the face. “You haven't seen the anime? The mangas?”

 

“You just said I wasn’t allowed to watch anime, how come you’re personally offended that I haven’t seen the anime?”

 

“Death Note is different! It’s one of those anime’s you have to see even if you aren’t an anime fan.” Connor chattered before sighing heavily. “And you haven’t seen it. That’s it, we’re binge watching it.”

 

“I don’t understand-”

 

“There’s nothing to understand, just shut up and prepare your mind for some quality content.”

 

Evan didn’t argue when Connor grabbed ahold of his hand again and began to pull him towards the student parking lot. He definitely didn’t complain when Connor basically shoved him into the passenger seat and began to bubble about how Death Note was honestly a good anime, but there were too many people that watched it without analyzing it.

 

“I’m not an anime fan, believe me, you won’t find me at any conventions cosplaying Sailor Moon of some shit, but I like what I like and Death Note just so happens to fulfill my expectations.”

 

Evan never really managed to fit in a real reply when Connor got to ranting, rather, he just supplied small nods and “mhm” ‘s and “yeah” ‘s when needed. Sometimes he’d mutter a ‘No me diga!’ to which Connor would continue talking despite the small smile dancing on his lips.

 

Eventually, they made it to Evan’s humble home, Connor parking across the street to avoid any unwanted attention. The blonde boy struggled to pull off his seat belt and push open the car door. Quickly, he tried to reach his porch, tripping over his own feet a few times and falling over the last step due to his frantic pace.

 

“Yo, Evan, why are you so jittery. It’s not like I’m meeting your parents or anything.” Connor attempted to calm him down. “We’re just watching Netflix together.”

 

“I know- but l-like, I’ve never had a friend over.”

 

“Kleinman?”

 

“Family friends don’t count.” He replied as he shakily took his keys out of his back pocket and inserted them into the lock.

 

“Well,” Connor started. “I’ve never been over a friend’s house. We’re even.”

 

“...Okay.”

 

Evan was hesitant to open the door, acting as if when he opened it there would be an Amazon jungle growing inside his living room. Obviously, the living room was kempt and tidy, except for a throw pillow that lay on the floor. But Evan would be Evan, what could you do about it?

 

“Uh, so, just put your stuff wherever. I can pop popcorn while you hook up for laptop to the TV? The-there’s an HDMI cord already pl-plugged in the back.”

 

“Gotcha.” Connor tossed his backpack onto the couch and immediately got to connecting his laptop to Evan’s rather small flatscreen TV.

 

Evan stood in the middle of the kitchen for a good 10 minutes just trying to decide on what type of popcorn to pop before realizing that they only had the Butter Lover’s popcorn. 3 minutes passed and he was holding a cooked bag of popcorn with oven mitts on.

 

“I got it hooked-- why are you wearing oven mitts?” Connor stared.

 

“Y’know the bag gets hot when you take it out and I didn’t want to get burned.”

 

“You’re crazy.” He scoffed as he logged into his Netflix and clicked Death Note. All of the episodes had red bars below them, signaling that Connor had actually watched the entire series for the most part.

 

The two got settled on the couch, Evan making sure that there was at least 3 feet of space between them. Just to be sure, he set a couch cushion between them. Connor simply scoffed and pushed it aside, scooting closer so that they were nearly shoulder to shoulder. 

 

Connor started up episode 1 and turned off the lights. He nearly flicked the switch that turned off the power in the living room, but Evan had warned him before any damage was done. Evan was sure to call his mom once the time for school to be out came around, convincing her that he’s just been walking home from school.

 

1 episode, 4 episodes, 7 episodes. Soon enough they’d finished the entire first season. There was a light weight on Evan’s shoulder, and it took him nearly a full minute to process the fact that Connor had fallen asleep.

 

Now, Evan was complacent with letting Connor sleep. He admired the way that his lips puckered out ever so slightly and how his eyelashes tangled with his lower eyelashes, but decidedly concluded that these observations were normal. The way Connor’s hair fell around him in waved and how he crossed his arms and pulled his legs close as he slept-- that wasn’t odd to notice. It was just something that friends did.

 

What he didn’t notice it at first was the jingle of the keys in the door. He was much too engrossed with the way that the colors of the TV shimmered and shone on Connor’s pale skin. Then, he heard the sound of the keys landing on their wooden porch and the sound of his mother’s muttered curses.

 

Hurriedly, he shook Connor awake, to which he jolted awake after a few taps.

 

“What’s up..Ev?” He muttered out tiredly, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. “Did that asshole Light die?” 

 

Ignoring the minor spoiler, Evan shook his head and stood to his feet, wordlessly pushing Connor towards the back entrance. The brunettes feet dragged and slid against the floor loudly, and Evan was sure that he was doomed.

 

“I’m so sorry-- Uh, t-text me. The gate’s open, be careful-- g-get home safe.” He rambled on, not even allowing Connor to reply before he shut the back door and locked it.

 

“Evan?” Heidi called out once she walked through the front door, eyes scanning the room for her son.

 

“Right here!” He replied as he stumbled into the room. 

 

He could see his mother visibly relax a bit, but the stern military look did not leave her eyes. “Did you do your homework? Clean your room? Eat dinner?”

 

“Uh- I- Uh-”

 

“You were watching Netflix? Since when do you have a Netflix account? Who’s laptop is that?”

 

“I-I uh,” Evan’s leg began to involuntarily bounce as he fumbled for some sort of lie. “The school gave out laptops and, uh, we had to watch an educational film in my economics class, so everyone got a Netflix account?”

 

“Oh. How much is that going to cost, you know, the laptop?” She set her bags on the kitchen counter and began to unzip her jacket.

 

“Nothing unless I break it.” He explained, quickly disconnecting the laptop from the television.

 

“Don’t break it.” She ordered simply before taking a few tupperware bowls out of her lunch bag and setting them in the kitchen sink. “Just clean up in here, and get some sleep. Goodnight.” 

 

Evan rolled his eyes at the lack of emotions in her instructions and began to clean up as instructed. He’d take his mother bitter and salty with him rather than her ignoring him altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope you enjoyed! I am rather busy at the end of this week and the beginning of next week, so I might only have this weekend to write the next chapter?   
> ~The next chapter is honestly rather tame and easy to write, so here's to hoping it doesn't take another three weeks.  
> ~I hope y'all have a nice day/night!  
> ~Comments, Kudos, Bookmarks, and messages cure my depression!


	7. Colloquy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Originally he was going to invite Connor over to decorate with him, but he’d been too stressed over an upcoming test in his environmental science class and didn't have the right mindset to deal with Connor’s gay ass in his kitchen frosting cupcakes. There’s another buzz from his phone and his thumb swiped across the glass to tap the notification."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry that these chapter updates are at like one month intervals, but hey, I managed to get this typed at least?? I've been super busy with school and then the weekends are filled with extracurricular and school and I'm just stressed with it all. At least I'm having a good time?? Hopefully y'all enjoy! Thank you!

Evan Hansen hated texting. Not as much as he hated engaging in a phone call, but texting was somewhere on the list. Despite his blatant dislike for it, it was something he found himself doing more and more as time carried on and his relationship with Connor developed. About a week after getting in trouble with his mom Connor began to call him more, that is until Heidi began complaining about Evan being too loud on the phone. To which Connor dared to challenge her authority by texting Evan nonstop. 

 

On multiple occasions, the dusty haired boy tried to coax Connor into chilling out and stop sending text messages like a mad man, but Connor simply brushed it off and told Evan that is was meant to prove that they wouldn’t give into her tyranny. Even when Evan informed him that his phone was almost always on silent and his mom wouldn’t notice text messages, Connor continued his little ‘rebellion’.

 

**Connor Murphy: im just saying**

**Connor Murphy: youre nagging isnt going to make me stop spamming your ass**

 

**You: Connor, plese**

**You: please****

**You: She isn’t going to even notice that your doing anything.**

**You: you’re****

 

**Connor Murphy: exactly ! we need to fucking make her realize that shes being too harsh**

 

**You: I deserved it, I don’t understand why you’re so dead set on proving her wtong or whatever.**

**You: wrong****

**You: Plus, it is my fault?? I’m on punishment for a reason.**

**You: My mom isn’t tyrannical or whatever you think she is.**

**You: She’s a normal mom, leave her alone.**

**You: Pleas**

**You: Please****

 

**Connor Murphy: come on ev**

**Connor Murphy: you dont have a single rebellious bone in your body**

**Connor Murphy: show a little excitement**

 

**You: Can we talk about something else please?**

 

Evan shifted awkwardly where he stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter top. He was wearing the same school clothes he had donned at school earlier in the day. Only, now he had a pastel pink apron on over it. The apron was slightly smaller than his own frame and had ‘Heidi’ sewn into his in fancy purple calligraphy. Surrounding the name had been several roses in a multitude of other pastel colors.

 

His mother had long since stopped wearing the apron because she was much too busy with school and work to be busy with baking or cooking. So, Evan took the apron as his own as he slowly began to get more and more interested with baking. It wasn’t like he did it as a hobby or anything, more or less, he did it when he became too stressed or overwhelmed and wanted to do something with his hands. He didn’t even notice when Connor spammed him with a wave of texts.

 

**Connor Murphy: fine**

**Connor Murphy: what about colors**

**Connor Murphy: fuck wait**

**Connor Murphy: there are so many colors that people forget about**

**Connor Murphy: like how many people have you met where you ask their favorite color and theyre all**

**Connor Murphy: my favorite color is magenta!! And indigo!!**

**Connor Murphy: like theres those fucking special snowflakes who are all**

**Connor Murphy: my favorite color is purple but not quite purple but the purple is so dark that it's black but it's not black because im not an emo im a furry XD XD XD *wags tail in joy***

 

**You: I mean??**

**You: My favorite colro is sky blue? Does that count?**

**You: color****

 

**Connor Murphy: no**

**Connor Murphy: and i probably have no right to be talking**

**Connor Murphy: i have the most retarded favorite colors**

**Connor Murphy: like they dont even have names**

 

**You: What do you mean?**

 

**Connor Murphy: you know the pinkish color when the sun rises**

**Connor Murphy: thats one of my favorite colors**

**Connor Murphy: but how the fuck to classify that as a color**

**Connor Murphy: or the fucking color of freshly made pancakes**

**Connor Murphy: thats a really nice fucking color but what is it called**

 

**You: Can’t you just say that it’s borwn?**

**You: brown****

 

**Connor Murphy: but its not only brown**

**Connor Murphy: it has a special tint to it**

**Connor Murphy: i dont fucking know dont look at me**

 

Evan scrunched his face up in confusion upon reading Connor’s little spiel. How do you you have a favorite color that isn’t really a color? He tried to come up with something to tell his friend, any way to classify these colors, but his mind drew up to a blank and he released a soft sigh. Thankfully, Connor mentioned something to bridge off of into a new conversation topic.

 

**Connor Murphy: you know the school football uniforms**

**Connor Murphy: thats a nice color too**

 

**You: Speakng of football!!**

**You: Speaking****

 

**Connor Murphy: i dont think ive ever heard you excited about sports**

 

**You: I tried out for the football team during sophomore year?**

**You: Well.**

 

**Connor Murphy: no you fucking didnt**

**Connor Murphy: wait seriously**

 

**You: Well, I kind of did.**

**You: I talked t the coach.**

**You: to****

**You: And a few of the team members tried to get to know me.**

**You: But i felt uncomfortable as heck and I ended up leaving before the actual try outs started?**

**You: I****

 

**Connor Murphy: i dont think that counts**

**Connor Murphy: like ill commemorate you for stepping out of your bubble and shit**

**Connor Murphy: but technically you didnt try out**

 

**You: Well,**

 

**Connor Murphy: i tried out for the cheerleading squad during my freshman year**

**Connor Murphy: but as you can tell**

**Connor Murphy: that didnt work out**

 

**You: How come?**

**You: No offense.**

 

**Connor Murphy: how am i supposed to take offense to that**

**Connor Murphy: never mind**

**Connor Murphy: basically i made the junior varsity team**

**Connor Murphy: but they fucking refused to let me cheer because they said i had a bad attitude**

**Connor Murphy: oh and bad attendance**

**Connor Murphy: and my dad said cheer is gay**

**Connor Murphy: and i told this one girl named lynda**

 

**You: Lynda? The one you have for yor AP Physics class?**

**You: your****

 

**Connor Murphy: yeah that lynda**

**Connor Murphy: basically she tried to talk shit about me**

**Connor Murphy: because i could pull a scorpion and she fucking couldnt**

**Connor Murphy: so i pulled her extensions out of her head**

 

**You: Connor, what in the world??**

**You: what****

**You: You know those are glued in right??**

**You: That could have hurt!!**

 

**Connor Murphy: i hope it fucking did**

**Connor Murphy: her bitch ass deserved it**

**Connor Murphy: i also sabotaged her albert einstein project**

**Connor Murphy: everyone thinks shes the anti christ now**

**Connor Murphy: it's great**

 

**You: My goodness, Connor.**

**You: Why.**

 

**Connor Murphy: i could have done worse**

  
  


The blonde boy was pulled off of his phone by a ding from the kitchen timer. He loved that little kitchen timer. It was in the shape of a heart and had Evan’s name scrawled into it by one of his almost-but-not-quite siblings on his dad’s side of the family. 

 

He hadn’t seen them in so long that he honestly didn’t know who it was who sent it to him, but all he knew if that it had came in the mail a week after Thanksgiving a few years back along with a thank you note for the cookies he had baked for them. 

 

Carefully, he slipped on a pair of oven mitts and made his way over to the oven. He was baking cupcakes, but he wouldn’t be able to decorate them until they cooled off. Originally he was going to invite Connor over to decorate with him, but he’d been too stressed over an upcoming test in his environmental science class and didn't have the right mindset to deal with Connor’s gay ass in his kitchen frosting cupcakes. There’s another buzz from his phone and his thumb swiped across the glass to tap the notification.

  
  


**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: yo**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: e va n**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: i need u 2 do my evrmtal sci hw**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: pls**

 

**You: No.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: pls**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: ev an**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: it's abt trees**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: dnt u hv a fetish for trees**

 

**You: No.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: evan**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: wht if i eat ur ass out**

 

**You: Jared, what the heck?**

**You: No.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: jcking**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: wht if i get u 1 of thse lttle tree thngs**

 

**You: ??**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: dnt act stpid**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: 1 of the** **dwrf hwiin umbrlla trees**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: u been askng 4 weeks**

 

**You: Alright, what is the project about?**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fck u**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: i knw u only wntd me cuz i got mney**

 

**You: No, I want my Dwarf Hawaiian Umbrella Tree.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: of crse**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: whr wld i evn get 1**

 

**You: You can buy it online? I’ll send you a link.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: shld u buy plnts onlne**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: i mean**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: wnt thy die**

 

**You: I’ll research it.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: cool cool**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: so the prject**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: i hv 2 go out n get sme tree lves**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: but thn wrte abt the tree it cme frm**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: so ill get a leaf**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: n u cn wrte abt it 4 me**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: cool?**

 

**You: As long as I get my tre.**

**You: tree****

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: of crse**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: thts all u care abt**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: not lil ol me**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fck u**

 

**You: Sorry.**

**You: I love trees.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: wat r u doing rght nw**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: i fnd my ds chargr**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: lts ply mc**

 

**You: They don’t have minecraft for the DS??**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: nt minecraft u uncltred swine**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fcking**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: mario cart**

 

**You: Kart****

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fck u**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: do u wnna ply or nt**

 

**You: Yes.**

**You: Let me get my DS.**

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: fck ys**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: im gnna call u**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: u bttr fckn ansr**

 

Evan briefly scans the texts before putting his phone down in order to jog off to his room and acquire his DS. He takes about 5 minutes to scan the room for where his Mario Kart game might be because he knows damn well that Animal Crossing is the game in the port rather Mario Kart, a game he only plays when Jared asks him to. It ends up taking him 10 minutes to find the game cartridge and trot downstairs to get back to his phone.

 

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: yo u ddnt fckn ansr**

**The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman: im cllng agn**

 

“Call from: The Insanely Cool Jaren Kleinman.” His phone chimed.

 

Evan sighed softly before swiping his screen so that he answered the call. “Hey Jare-”

 

“Are you ready to get your ass beat? We’re playing rainbow road and if you lose you have to eat my ass.”

 

“Why...why do you want me to eat your ass so much?” Evan tapped the screen of his DS with his index finger due to the missing stylus. “I know you joke about things a lot- but wow-”

 

“You’re overthinking it.”

 

“How-”

 

“Shut up and accept the request I sent.”

 

Another sigh and a few taps got Evan and Jared into a 30 minute tournament in which Jared had won every race besides the one on rainbow road. Evan’s 3Ds was actually given to him by Jared when he went and bought himself a brand new 3Ds XL. Evan never really played it unless it was some calming Animal Crossing or if Jared begged him to. 

 

In the middle of the last race of the tournament, Evan finally noticed the red blinking lights on his DS and frantically tossed it aside in an attempt to get his charger before it could die.

 

“Yo! Evan, you’re in 8th place now!” Jared snorted loudly and continued laughing. “I’m in 1st tree boy!”

 

“Im..- I’m looking for-- ow! Looking for my- my charger-” Evan shouted back, his body half tucked under his bed.

 

“What?”

 

“My charger is missin-”

 

“What the fuck Evan!” Jared cried out incredulously.

 

He came from under the bed and returned to his phone. “What do you mean what?” 

 

“You fucking salty hoe!” He seethed. “You didn’t want to lose, so you fucking turned off your DS so that I couldn’t win!”

 

“No..no! I didn’t! My DS died!”

 

“Suuuure, Evan. It just fucking died out of nowhere.”

 

“It didn’t die out of nowhere Jared! It was dying in the first place-”

 

“So wy agree to play against me if your bitch ass knew your DS wasn’t fully charged?”

 

“Call from: Connor Murphy.” His phone chimed.

 

He slid his thumb across the screen, attempting to send Connor one of the pre-made texts that said ‘Sorry I’m busy at the moment’. Rather than successfully sending the text, Evan merged Connor’s incoming call with his ongoing call. 

 

“Yo, Ev. You stopped replying so I came to check on your ass.” Connor grumbled, punctuating his sentence with a nervous chuckle.

 

“Holy shit, Evan, is that Murphy? Not the hot one, the suicidal one.” Jared’s barking laughter echoed through the phone in large waves.

 

“Ew, why is this piece of shit in the call?”

 

“Excuse me? You interrupted our call, freak.”

 

“I don’t know, fuck face, something about that ugly mug of yours just makes me wonder why Evan would want to be in a call with you.” Connor snapped loudly before continuing. “Oh right, of course. Anything beats having to talk to you in person.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“You wish you could fuck me.”

 

Jared and Connor continued to mutter silent profanities under their breaths, nome of the words that Evan heard didn’t even seem like real curse words. They were more like a combination of vulgarities that served as an alternative to using the same old insults over and over again. Several times Evan had tried to interject and change the subject, and every time he was promptly ignored in favor of shouting about some stupid argument like if Pepsi or Coke was better. 

 

Evan tried to stay awake, he really did. He tried pacing his room back and forth in an attempt to keep his eyelids from drooping. He tried turning of the temperature so that he didn’t want to snuggle under his warm covers to get away from the cold. He even put Connor and Jared’s shouts and full volume and laid his head next to his phone, but to no avail. In the end, he couldn’t keep himself from succumbing to slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed! I really didn't like how lazy the ending was and I wish I could have fixed it, but I don't think I could have continued typing at the time. I'm still going to finish this story, as I have a entire story line planned out for it, I just might take longer than expected. Kudos, bookmarks, and comments cure my depression and rids me of stress for 20 minutes. I love y'all! Have a wonderful rest of your day/night!


	8. Unresolved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The mail was lying in a small pile on the floor, but the only thing that caught his attention from the bland white envelopes was a single pink envelope addressed to him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Hello! I'm so sorry it's literally been like a month and a half since I updated.
> 
> ~School has really got me occupied, but here's another chapter.
> 
> ~This is unbeta-ed so if there are any errors that don't match up with previous chapters, please tell me!
> 
> ~I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~ Vomit Warning. Suicidal Ideation Warning.

“Shut the fuck up, Murphy. I’m not listening to you talk about Evan for 20 more minutes.” Jared groaned loudly, his voice jerking Evan out of sleep.

 

“Listen, it’s just me ranting. You don’t have to be a bitch about it.” Connor drawled.

 

Evan remained silent for a moment, licking his chapped lips and staring at the ceiling as he listened to the two speak. They continued to go on for a bit, Connor trying to say something about Evan and Jared cutting him off before he could get anything in. The two seemed to have no idea that Evan was awake until Evan began unconsciously tapping his index finger against his thigh.

 

“I fucking knew it.” Connor sighed.

 

“No you didn’t, I’m the one who suggested that maybe you should shut the fuck up because Evan might be awake.” Jared barked.

 

“Evan! You need to be getting ready for school!” Heidi called out from downstairs.

 

Rather than trying to explain himself, and probably making a fool of himself in the process, Evan decided to actually listen to his mother for once. “Uh- sorry guys, I have to go. School. You know.” He waited silently for a few beats, as if waiting for them to beg him to stay on the call, but the two boys continued to shout at one another about who was right about Evan being awake. He quickly ended the call.

 

The blonde boy tugged the collar of his polo towards his face and took a sniff, his nose wrinkling at the foul aroma that invaded his nostrils. Had he really accidentally put on a dirty shirt? Or was he wearing the same shirt for multiple days? What if someone smelled--

 

“Evan Hansen, I know you heard me!” His mother scolded louder than the previous shout.

 

“I’m awake!” Evan called back, trying to ignore how shrill his voice came out and the way his voice cracked in the middle. 

 

First things first, he was going to have to take a shower. Regardless or not if he was freaking out about his shirt smelling bad, taking a shower in the morning was just something apart of the basic morning ritual. 

 

His feet were cold once they connected with the cold tile floor of the bathroom. He admired how his mother had tried to make the bathroom look the least bit more...hospitable by hanging little pictures of them at the beach on the bland beige walls. Although, now that he was thinking about it, the pictures were kind of uncomfortable to look at if you were using the toilet. Just staring at them. Evan shivered. 

 

There was also the shower curtains with the panoramic picture of a beach, but Evan had tripped in and out of the shower so many times that the curtain was just barely hanging on. Drawing the curtain back, he turned on the hot water, just barely turning on the cold water, he’d always liked hot showers more than lukewarm or cold showers.

 

He stripped out of his clothes, dropping them in the seafoam green dirty clothes hamper in the corner. As a test, he stuck one of his feet under the water and after confirming that it was the perfect temperature, he got all the way in  _ without  _ tripping over the shower curtain. Evan damn near almost put his cast under the water, but once his eyes caught Connor’s name written in sharpie, he frantically jumped out of the shower and draped a towel over his lower half.

 

While he knew that the name was written in sharpie and was unlikely to randomly wash off in the shower, it felt almost sacred to him and he didn’t want it ruined in any way. Trotting back into his room, he grabbed a used plastic bag off his dresser-- probably from his last shower anyway. He pulled it over his cast and secured it there by scotch taping it to the end of the cast. 

 

Now Evan wouldn’t say that he sung in the shower, except he did sing in the shower. It’s not like he was obnoxiously loud or anything, because that’d be rude to subject anyone to that sort of torture, but Evan’s voice wasn’t bad either. It was nowhere near Beyonce levels of good, but he wouldn’t have to go apologize to the neighbors for his singing any time soon.

 

Once he was out of the shower, he scurried into his bedroom and dug through his dresser for something other than a polo. He managed to find a T-Shirt, one he had earned after attending a Summer Coding Camp with Jared in the 8th grade that still fit him, and a pair of jeans. Even if it didn’t fit him, he’d probably just wear a jacket over it all day. Today was a jacket day. 

 

“Evan, sweetheart, you’re going to be late for school.” His mother commented as he treaded into the living room, his backpack on his back and feet still hanging out of the back of his sneakers.

 

Evan knew that she was wrong and he still had another 30 minutes until the warning bell at school rung, but he was willing to keep his trap shut to make his mother feel proud of herself. Instead, he took a seat on the couch and busied himself with his shoelaces-- he noticed how they weren’t looped into every hole, so he was going to redo the whole thing to avoid him doing this in the middle of class where everyone would look at him because you’re not supposed to take your shoes off when you’re at school and--

 

“Did you hear me?”

 

He didn’t look up from his shoes. “I’m sorry-”

 

Heidi sighed. “I was asking if you could get the mail.”

 

“Oh, yeah, of course.” He let go of his shoes as he scrambled to get up and make his way over to the door. 

 

The mail was lying in a small pile on the floor, but the only thing that caught his attention from the bland white envelopes was a single pink envelope addressed to him. No matter how many times he tried to rack his brain, he couldn’t think of anyone who’d send him anything, certainly not in a frilly pink envelope with hearts and stars along the edges.

 

“Who’s that from?” She looked up from her crossword puzzle to fix her eyes on the letter.

 

Evan’s eyes scanned the address and his eyes nearly popped out of his head at the sender. “D-” He coughed awkwardly. “Dad?”

 

“Your father?” Heidi asked incredulously.

 

“I-I guess so!” The boy smiled to himself at the idea of his father willing trying to get in contact with him. “What do you think it says?” He asked no one in particular.

 

“Maybe you should bring that to me.” 

 

“What? Why?”

 

“You think your father wants to contact you just because?” She blinked slowly, trying to reword what she said. “Not like that-- it’s just. You know your father, he just-”

 

“Actually,” Evan began, his eyes slowly drifted up from the envelope to meet Heidi’s nervous gaze. “I  _ don’t  _ know my dad. After he left, it seems like you’ve tried everything in your power to erase him from my memory like he was- he was some bad dream.”

 

“I’m just trying to do the best for you, Evan.”

 

“Are you sure? You’re so--  _ so  _ convinced that he’s the bad guy and that he ruined the marriage, but what’s not to say that you’re not the reason he left?”

 

“Listen here, young man, I will  _ not _ have this talk with you of all people.” She took a breath and released it through her nose. “Maybe. I don’t know whether he’s changed since we divorced, but believe me, I know my husband. I know that he hasn’t suddenly become interested in the son he hasn’t seen in over a decade-”

 

“And what makes you so sure?” Evan taunted, eyes threatening to overflow with tears. “Why wouldn’t he want to get to know me after all this time? Maybe he’s changed-”

 

“Why would he want a mentally unstable son?”

 

And there were the waterworks. Big salty tears openly slid down his cheeks and accumulated in one messy puddle on the floor. Evan didn’t even try to stop it or hide it at this point because it was pointless. Heidi’s face softened and Evan could see her lips moving, probably trying to come up with some half assed apology, but he couldn’t hear a thing.

 

Everything was distorted and bubbly and Evan honestly didn’t even know if he was breathing right anymore. He felt his mother’s tender hands grasp his shoulders as she tried to usher him over to the couch, but Evan wasn’t having it.

 

Fumbling backwards, over his discarded shoes, he fell backwards onto the floor. Now feeling embarrassed along with childish and unimportant, he got up and hustled out of the door, ignoring the cries of his mother. The funny thing is:

 

She didn’t even try to run after him.

 

She just stood there on the porch waving her hands around like that was going to magically make Evan turn around and walk back to her with open arms. No. Not today. She couldn’t just kiss it better and push it under the rug. That’s what she always did, and that’s what Evan had gotten used to. He was so damn used to it he wasn’t sure if it was a bad thing to just forget about the past and let it be bottled up. It just seemed...right. 

 

The bus passed him as he made his way down the sidewalk, wearing no shoes and a pair of blue and white socks that had a hole on the heel. A few parents going to get their mail saw him, a sobbing boy walking down the street in his socks, but at this point he was so blinded by grief and betrayal that he simply wanted to get somewhere he could disappear and compose himself temporarily.

 

The orchard. The orchard was going to become he and Connor’s safe haven. The orchard was what started all of this. That damn orchard was the reason why he was slowly getting deeper and deeper in shit that he never wanted to get into in the first place--

 

He let out a heavy breath that he didn’t know he was holding

 

At this point, he was no longer making his way to school, but rather, blindly walking to the orchard. It was a 2 hour walk and there was no goddamn way he was going to safely make it there with no shoes and tears blocking his vision, but he wasn’t thinking straight right now. He could have walked straight into the middle of the road and been hit by a car, but still would have been trying to process what his mother had said to him.

 

Evan walked. After about 30 minutes, he stopped crying but could still feel the salty trail of tears that had dried onto his cheeks. After 45 more minutes, he stopped at a gas station and bought a water bottle. His throat was dry and he was dehydrated from all the crying. After an hour, he was stopped by a homeless lady who asked him for a dollar and he ignored her and kept walking. A man, who must have been in his 20’s, and on his way to something important evident from the way he was dressed, stopped to ask Evan if he was okay. He grunted out an, “I’m fine” before continuing his journey. 

 

After an hour and 15 minutes, Evan stepped in dog poop and had to leave his socks behind. After an hour and 30 minutes, he cut the bottom of his foot on a broken glass bottle. He hastily attempted to pull the glass out, but some of the shards managed to wedge their way into the wound and there was no way he was going to get them out without tweezers or emotional support. After an hour and 45 minutes, Evan began to limp slightly. Every time he put pressure on the open wound, it sent a jolt of pain into his knee and upper thigh. After an hour and 59 minutes, Evan began to cry again, tears silently streaming down his face and he was powerless to stop it.

 

When Evan actually got to the gate of the Orchard, the lock was no longer unlocked. Now, Evan was an anti-social goody-two-shoes who had no idea how to pick a lock like Connor did. But he knew how to climb trees. So instead, he scaled the fence.

 

Once he got to the top, he swung one of his legs over, and then the other. Well, almost the other. His pant leg got caught on one of the little spires and he lost his balance, sending him tumbling forward and allowing his head to collide with the ground harshly as he hit the floor. His back had taken a majority of the impact and his head had this strange buzzing feeling lingering.

By the time it hit two hours, Evan was sitting at the bottom of a tree in the orchard. He’d contemplated climbing it, but he was already on an emotional rollercoaster, the last thing he needed to do was add any drops. 

 

Evan sat in pure silence for a moment before he heard his ringtone coming from his back pocket. Slipping it out of of his pocket and into his uninjured hand, Evan looked blankly at the name on the screen. ‘Mom <3’ At the time, he was much too upset and distraught to answer her call. He declined it. She called again. He declined it. She called again. He threw the phone towards his feet, covering his ears with the palms of his hands as he sobbed. 

 

It seemed very over dramatic. He could have easily turned off the phone and not had to deal with it, but it was as if we hanted to put himself through the torture, like he thought he deserved it.

 

It must have been somewhere around 2nd or 3rd period, because the patronizing ringtone he had set for his mom changed to the theme song for Jimmy Neutron. Only one person had that ringtone, and it was none other than Jared Kleinman. Knowing his ‘friend’ of 17 years all too well, Evan deduced that he’d only been calling because his mom asked him too, so he declined the call instantly. Jared didn’t call back.

 

Around 30 minutes later, a song that Evan vaguely recognized began to play. It was King For A Day by Pierce the Veil. He’d remembered when Connor changed his contact ringtone to it and explained that it was the most edgy song he’d listen to when he was in 7th grade. Evan considered changing it to something calmer and mellow, but found that it stood out compared to his other ringtones, so he always knew when it was Connor calling.

 

Evan answered it, hands shaking violently from the two hour walk and the open wound that was probably infected on his foot and the crying and his headache and  _ everything  _ that he was trying to currently process.

 

“The fuck Hansen? Where are you?” Was the first thing that flew out of Connor’s mouth. “I swear I’ve been sitting in this computer lab for all of 30 minutes and this little fucking freshman won’t stop talking to me. I’m going to break his neck.”

 

Evan tried to speak, he really did, but nothing came out. He sniffled harshly, the mucus and snot clogging his nose barely making a move. “Connor-” He whimpered, ducking his head quickly at how much of a little girl he sounded like. 

 

“Evan? Are you ditching because you’re sick?”

 

“I’m not-- not--” Evan dropped the phone and it fell onto the grass. He made a move to pick it up but his hands were shaking so badly that it just resulted in it dropping to the ground again. Finally, he managed to at least put the phone on speaker.

 

“Hansen, what the fuck is going on?” Connor asked, his tone almost sounding angry but not directed at Evan.

 

“I-I”

 

“I’m coming over.”

 

“No!” Evan shouted harshly, breaking down into a sob. “Don’t- I just-” Evan shuddered slightly and his body trembled against the cold wind that blew harshly at him.

 

“I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”

 

“Orchard-” He breathed out in a semi-confused tone.

 

“Do you want to go to the orchard?” Connor asked quizzically.

 

“No--” Evan groaned, which came out more like the mating call of a bear. Connor had to suppress a laugh. “I’m at- at- already there.”

 

“How the fuck?”

 

“I wa-walked.”

 

“Evan, that’s like a two hour walk.” Connor’s eyebrows furrowed as he climbed into his car and started it, his engine rumbling.

 

“Is it? I-I could’ve sworn it was like 30 minutes.” Evan said confusingly before laughing softly.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“There’s a lot of leaves around here.”

 

“You’re in a fucking orchard.”

 

“I  _ know,”  _ Evan says in an exasperated tone. “But they’re on the floor.”

 

“It’s fall.” Connor doesn’t know if it’s winter or fall, but to hell with it, it could be summer and he wouldn’t know. “And how is that funny?”

 

“How is what funny?” Evan asked in a quiet mutter.

 

“The leaves being on the floor!” 

 

“That’s not funny. You went to a comedy summer camp in 8th grade, Jared, how could you tell such a bad joke?” Evan scolded.

 

Connor paused briefly. Now, he wasn’t a medical professional or anything of the sort, but he’d certainly read enough Hurt/Comfort fanfictions about his favorite books and shows to know what a concussion sounded like.

 

“Evan, what’s today’s date?” He asked, facepalming at how cliche this was.

 

Evan didn’t reply. His head was throbbing, his foot had gone numb, his legs had most certainly fallen asleep, he couldn’t stop shaking, and he kept drifting in and out of consciousness. The only thing keeping him awake was Connor’s voice.

 

“Evan?”

 

“September 24, 2017.” He replied simply.

 

“That’s your birthday. What’s today’s date?”

 

“I already told you.” Evan groaned.

 

“Damn it Evan. Always making things more complicated than they need to be.” Connor pressed on the gas, zooming through 2 red lights and a yellow one. He harshly made a right turn in an attempt to take the shortcut to the orchard.

 

“Evan?”

 

“Present.” 

 

“What?”

 

The line went quiet for a moment before Evan hung up. Connor frantically took his eyes off the road to look down at his phone and call his friend back. The phone rang for a moment before Evan called back, crying loudly.

 

“Evan, what happened?”

 

“I-I was going to get up and walk to school, y’know, because I missed role call and my-- my mom’s going to get mad at me, but I threw up.”

 

“Why are you crying then?”

 

“Connor, my mom is really mad at me. Really-- really mad.” Evan sobbed. “She’s going to kill-- kill me.” 

 

“No she’s not.” Connor sighed. “Why would she be mad at you?”

 

“I-I--” Evan coughed and seemed to throw up again. “She thinks I’m crazy-- mentally unstable.”

 

“And that makes her mad?”

 

“Yeah! ‘Cause she has to--to pay for my pills and my therapist and she thinks I’m going to kill myself.” Evan’s voice shook, and Connor pulled into the orchard parking lot as if his life depended on it.

 

“That doesn’t mean she’s mad at you.”

 

Again, Evan didn’t reply. The line went silent and Connor sifted through his mess of a trunk to look for the bolt cutters he had. He didn’t have time to try to pick the lock again. He found the bolt cutters and it took him 3 minutes to finally break the lock.

 

“Evan?”

 

No reply.

 

“Evan!”

 

No reply.

 

“Hansen!”

 

“I’m awake! Please stop yelling.” He whined.

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Huh? The orchard.”

 

“Where in the fucking orchard, Evan.”

 

“The big tree with the happy face on it.” Evan commented. “Did you know that spray paint kills trees? This tree is dying, but it’s still smiling. That’s cute.”

 

Connor wasn’t running, it was more of a light jog. It took 10 painful minutes to find where Evan was. He hadn’t been replying to Connor, so he wasn’t very surprised when he jogged up and Evan was leaning against the tree knocked out cold. Connor squatted next to him, avoiding the vomit, and shook Evan awake.

 

“Huh? Oh, Connor, hi.” Evan mumbled, his eyes already beginning to flutter shut. 

 

“Ev, come on I need you to stay awake for me.” Connor pleaded as he lifted Evan to his feet.

 

“I know, but I’m tired.”

 

“Just for a few minutes.” Connor pulled Evan’s arm over his shoulders and hoisted the boy to his feet. Evan begrudgingly stood to the best of his ability and limped along. “What happened to your foot?”

 

“I dunno.”

 

“What happened to your head?”

 

“The gate was locked.”

 

Connor didn’t understand what either of that was supposed to mean, but at this point he didn’t care. He couldn’t care for Evan with the sad excuse of a first aid kit that he had in his car, so he had to fucking book it to the hospital.

 

Once Evan was secured in the passenger seat, Connor jumped into the driver’s seat and immediately took off towards the hospital. He had to run 2 red lights and make a U-Turn where he wasn't supposed to, but eventually they pulled up in the parking lot of the emergency room. The second the car stopped, Evan pushed the door open and threw up on the pavement.

 

“Connor--”

 

“Shut up, don’t talk.” Connor walked to his side of the car and took his seat belt off for him. Afterwards, he lifted Evan out of the car and basically dragged him into the emergency room. He hadn’t said anything after they took Evan to one of the rooms until one of the nurses asked him a few questions. Connor didn’t know anything specific, only able to answer his name, birthdate, and address. The nurse thanked him before scurrying off.

 

It was about an hour before a nurse came to get him. “He’s been properly cared for and should be able to go home in an hour or two. We just need a legal adult to pick him up and sign his release papers.”

 

“I don’t know. I’m not his emergency contact or anything. Try ringing his mom.”

 

The nurse nodded and was about to turn and return to her desk before Connor stopped her. “Can I go see him-- actually?”

 

“Let me page the doctor and ask.” She excused herself before returning a couple of minutes later. “Mr. Hansen is cleared for visitors. If you’d just follow me.” She hummed before leading him through the wheelchair accessible entrance to where Evan was. 

 

The blonde boy was asleep in bed, wearing a yellow pair of slip resistant socks along with three wrist bands, a white one with a barcode on it, an orange one that read FALL RISK, and a red one that had ALLERGY printed across it. The nurse left as Connor took a seat. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Evan suddenly spoke up in a groggy tone. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Connor jumped slightly, holding a hand over his chest. “You scared the shit out of me!” Connor breathed out.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to say sorry.”

 

“But I made you go through all this trouble.” Evan muttered. “You’ve been waiting on me for like 5 hours.”

 

Connor laughed softly because Evan’s sense of time was skewered from the concussion, but he was still determined to apologize. “It’s only been like a hour and a half.”

 

“Still!” He furrowed his eyebrows. “You could have just left me there. You should have.”

 

“The fuck, Hansen? What kind of monster do you think I am? You’re my friend, like hell I was just going to let you sit there and wallow in your self pity along with a concussion.” Connor said gruffly. “Who knows what would have happened to you.”

 

They sat in a mutual silence for a few minutes before Evan began to cry, something he’d done way too much in one day.

 

“Shit, Evan what’s wrong?” Connor asked, trying not to sound like he didn’t care, but he was exhausted.

 

“Everything.”

 

“You’re being over dramatic.” Connor sighed softly. “Why were you at the orchard in the first place?”

 

“My mom.” He started, trying to rub the tears out of his eyes. “This morning I got a letter from my-my dad, right? I was really excited, but she was convinced that he didn’t willingly write a letter to me because he want- wanted to get to know me better. She thought- she thought that he was only sending it to get something from me and-- and so I asked her why he couldn’t just send a letter just because and she-- she said ‘Why would he want a mentally unstable son?’ What kind of mother says th-that to her child?”

 

The entire time, Evan was talking faster than Connor could even process, but it didn’t take much to string together what he was trying to say. Connor felt something akin to a flame ignite in his stomach. He was damn near ready to punch Evan’s mom for being such an asshole. Connor’s own mother wasn’t the best and tried to bury herself in lies to convince herself that their family was okay, but she’d never call Connor mentally unstable, even if it was true.

 

Speaking of the devil, Heidi came hustling into the room. Evan’s expression evened out and he wiped any remaining tears that were in his eyes away. The brunette decided to stay silent and speak only when spoken to. 

 

“Evan! My baby boy.” Heidi hugged her son close, kissing the top of his forehead softly. “Don’t ever scare me like that again, okay? I’m so sorry for what I said, you know I didn’t mean it right? Right?” She asked Evan in the most desperate tone he’d ever heard.

 

Evan nodded slowly, refusing to speak. “Good, Good. I’m so glad you’re alright.” She patted his head and gave him one long kiss on the forehead. “All that matters now is you. We’ll just keep walking on sunshine to the end of the rainbow.”

 

That was the most stupid, sappy, over-positive bullshit that Connor had ever seen someone pull out of their ass. He shook his head at her obvious disregard for what she’d done to Evan and the fact that she didn’t even care about Evan’s condition. But Connor remained silent.

 

“Oh, you must be Connor.” Heidi let go of Evan to give Connor a gentle smile. “Thank you so much for taking care of him.” 

 

“It was no problem.” Connor replied dully, shrugging and letting his eyes drift over to where Evan stared at his lap.

 

“Evan, sweetheart, tell Connor thank you.” Heidi prompted with a small smile.

 

“Thank you, Connor.” Evan mumbled softly.

 

“Please tell me we can forget all of this. Things are going to change. I’m going to change, we’re going to change for the better.” She rubbed her hand up and down Evan’s upper arm. “Do you forgive me?”

 

The look on Evan’s face made Connor’s heart quake. He seemed so out of it and emotionally exhausted, Connor forgot about his own problems for just a moment. 

 

“I forgive you.”

 

The brunette should have known what Evan’s reply was going to be, but the way he said it was just so  _ wrong _ . Regardless, Heidi took the forgiveness and ran with it. 

 

That’s when Connor Murphy began to hate Heidi Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> ~I'm really unhappy with the ending :')))
> 
> ~I feel like this was really rushed, but I swear I'm bringing more joy (and angst).
> 
> ~Again, comment any errors
> 
> ~Kudos, Bookmarks, and Comments cure my depression
> 
> ~I don't hate Heidi, I'm just trying something different that making her 'the best mom in the world!!!'
> 
> ~This story is told from Evan's viewpoint for the most part, so it's very Evan-centric?? Sorry. Connor should have some angst coming up if that'll satisfy your angst needs.


	9. Strenuous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "À La Mode was a small ice cream parlor compared to the other shops Evan had seen around town. The outside wasn’t anything to behold, the bottom half of the building was painted blue with little wooden cutouts of ice cream nailed in random places."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> W o a h. I'm am two months behind from when I originally planned to update. I'm really sorry about the hiatus, y'all! School and AP classes have really got me stumped, but I'm trying my best to pump out updates until this is finished. This is not edited with a beta, so please simply comment any problems and continuity errors so I can go back and edit them in the future. I hope you enjoy!

Evan Hansen wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of his life. He wanted everyone to forget he existed so that he could live alone, blissfully ignoring all responsibilities and obligations that the world had to offer. 

 

After a few more tests and a stern lecture on how to care for his injuries, he was released from the hospital. Connor and himself didn’t talk much, considering his mother was coddling him the whole time while running in and out of the room to talk to some of the nurses she recognized. 

 

Once they’d wheeled him out to his mom’s car, ‘wheeled’ because Heidi had asked for a wheelchair just in case his foot started acting up, Connor sulked off to his car and Evan didn’t have the courage to say goodbye. 

 

Connor deserved to ignore Evan. Connor  _ should’ve _ just forgot that Evan existed and went on with his life. Evan had caused him so much trouble and probably said something stupid while he was in his concussed state. So Evan didn’t contact Connor and Connor didn’t contact him. Evan was excused from school for the week, so he didn’t have to deal with the possibility of bumping into him, nor did he have to worry about Jared’s teasing. He was peacefully content with living out the rest of his senior year without Connor Murphy.

 

Then, out of spite for Evan, the universe made sure he bumped into the brunette during a visit to town. He’d been on his way to the local bakery so that he could pick up some cupcakes his mom had ordered. One of the ladies in her book club was pregnant and Heidi offered to help organize the baby shower- despite not being a party planner. Evan was minding his own business, thinking of how he was going to greet the baker when Connor god damn Murphy suddenly called out his name.

 

“Yo, Hansen!” 

 

Evan’s head swiveled in the direction of Connor’s voice. He was across the street, holding a white grocery bag in one hand and his phone in the other. The blonde turned the other way, swiftly walking past the bakery and into some other random store that he prayed Connor didn’t see him go into.

 

After about 5 minutes of hiding out in the store’s bathroom, Evan exited. He’d entered an electronics store, he noted as he scanned the display case of different phone cases, headphones, and charger adapters.

 

“Hansen.” 

 

He could practically feel Connor breathing down his back. Well, no. That was exaggerating. He stood a couple of feet in front of him at the entrance of the store and motioned for Evan to follow him out of the store. Of course, Evan did as told. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Con-- Never mind, that was  _ exactly  _ it. Everything was sure to go to shit if he said even a single word to Connor. He knew it.

 

Outside Connor sat on the curb, the white bag sitting beside him. His chin was resting in the palm of his hand and he seemed to be people watching- a group of girls tasting one another’s Gelato, a couple debating on which Zelda game was better, a businessman obviously in a rush but being stopped by another man handing out store flyers. Evan took a seat beside Connor, chin on his knees and his hands playing with his shoelaces.

 

“So, Hansen. How’s life been?”

 

“Uh, Good! Good. Yeah.” 

 

“That’s good.” Evan tried to glance over at him and get a sense of what type of conversation he was in for, but Connor’s hair was obscuring his view. “Would’ve been nice too,  _ y’know _ , hear from you. Being in the hospital for all those  _ injuries _ . I had no fucking idea how you were going. Glad to know the  _ past week  _ has been  _ good _ .” 

 

“I, uh, I was going to email you. I hadn’t- never got around to it.” Evan fidgeted, tapping his foot against the pavement. 

 

“‘Didn’t get around to it.’ Right. I believe that.” Connor scoffed. “What’s the point in lying?”

 

“I’m not- it’s not a lie! I haven’t had the- the time. So, yeah.”

 

“Bullshit. Hansen, you’ve been out of school for a week doing fucking nothing.” 

 

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be busy!”

 

Suddenly, Connor stood and Evan thought he was going to walk off, but then he continued talking. 

 

“I was going to call. Because I was-” He paused, eyes glancing to Evan. “I was going to call.” He settled with that. “But I thought, maybe you’d call me. Maybe you’d need to talk after what happened. Oh, but  _ no,  _ my phone is dryer than the Sahara fucking desert.”

 

“Connor--”

 

“Fuck off.” He glared before continuing. “Even worse, you left me at school to deal with Kleinman. He wouldn’t stop riding my dick about how you were my personal slave or something. That’s-  _ beside  _ the point. All of that with not a single text from you Hansen. I would have even taken one of your stupid god damn fucking emails.”

 

A few passer-bys glanced at Connor as they walked before returning to their own conversations. Connor crossed his arms over his chest, taking a heavy breath as he attempted to calm himself down. “So I hope you can see  _ why  _ I’m pissed that you’re walking around as if nothing happened. ” He grumbled in a low tone.

 

“I’m sorry,” Evan muttered after a beat of silence.

 

“As you should be.”

 

“I worried you. I  _ embarrassed _ you-” Evan started, eyes trained on his shoelaces. “The last thing you could’ve wanted was to talk to me.”

 

Connor sighed, big and heavy. “We aren’t friends- not in the way that  _ normal _ friends should be. We met with some dumb ass argument that only two idiots could get into.” He paused as he kicked his shoe against the old black gum on the concrete. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t... _ care  _ about you.” Shaking his head wildly as pink danced across his cheeks, he tried to make sense of what he was saying. “If you need to talk to me about any of your shit, don’t fucking ignore me.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“I know.”

 

Connor groaned before grabbing the white bag that sat on the floor. He stretched for a bit before pulling the keys out of his pocket.

 

“Hansen.” Evan looked up from where he was looking at a few ants. “Let’s go  _ do  _ something.”

 

“I don’t like the way you said that.” Evan managed a smile.

 

“What? What could I possibly be planning?”

 

“I don’t know. Knowing you, we are- we’re breaking into some abandoned mansion and trying to find proof of ghosts.”

 

“I’m not  _ that  _ edgy.” Connor scoffed and Evan finally stood up from where he sat. “We can just go out for ice cream or whatever.”

 

Evan made a face. 

 

“ _ What? _ ”

 

“Ice cream? I don’t know seems so...un-Connor.”

 

“Fuck you. I eat at À La Mode like every weekend.” 

 

Evan just laughed as they began to walk to Connor’s car. They shot back and forth about what their interests were, Connor joking about how Evan’s only interest was trees to which Evan hesitantly replied that in order to summon Connor you’d just need to bring black nail polish, edgy rock songs, weed, grey jackets, and a failed exam to a pentagram.

 

“That’s a low blow, even for you, Hansen.” Connor chuckled.

 

“You started it.”

 

The bakery’s sign came into view and Evan was briefly reminded of the cupcakes. “Connor can we- I need to get these cupcakes? Not for me- my mom is hosting a baby shower for a coworker? And-”

 

“It’s whatever. Let’s just get the cupcakes.”

 

The two walked into the bakery, the little bell chiming as they did so. Behind the counter was a man, middle-aged and slightly overweight, with a proud grin on his face as he handed off a cake to a customer.

 

“Thank you for shopping!” He called out before focusing his attention on Evan and Connor. “Well if it isn’t little Evan Hansen. It’s been years, boy!” He came from behind the counter and clapped Evan on the shoulder sharply. “Where have you been? Lisa’s been missin’ you lots.”

 

“Oh- has she? I’m sorry.” Evan apologized sheepishly, seeming to shrink beneath the man’s gaze. “Oh, and hello, Mr. Beckett. I forgot to say hi first- so I- you know.”

 

“It’s all good, Evan! And please, just call me Will. You used to call me Uncle Will. You didn’t know anything other than Uncle Will and Auntie Anne.” Will gave a hardy laugh before finally acknowledging Connor. “Oh, you’re not with Jared I see? You two were inseparable as kids.”

 

“Uh, yeah, no. We aren’t that- that close anymore?” Evan laughed nervously as he inched away from Will. “This is- he’s a friend of mines- I think so- Uh I’m not-”

 

“I’m Connor.” Connor extended his hand before Evan could work himself up. “Evan’s friend.”

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, boy!” Mr. Beckett shook his hand, his grip making Connor grimace. “It’s good to see Evan out and about these days, and with a friend other than Jared.”

 

“Yeah- my mom really needs those cupcakes so- uh, if we could just- uh- get those and  _ leave _ , that would be-be very good.” Evan squirmed anxiously where he stood, tugging at a loose thread on his shirt.

 

“Of course, I’m just happy to see you is all.” Will returned to where he was behind the counter and unlocked the display case. It took him a few seconds to spot the white box labeled ‘Heidi’ and when he finally did notice it, he picked it up and put it on the counter. “Here you go.”

 

“Thank you.” Evan nodded before sifting through his back pockets and then through his front to take out a five dollar bill and some quarters. “Mom told me to give- tip you with this. So, uh, here.”

 

“Of course.” Will simply nodded and handed the box over to Evan. “You be safe on your way home, son. And please come around here sometimes. We never see you anymore.”

 

“Yeah. Of course.” He lied, offering a gentle smile before grabbing ahold of Connor’s hand while attempting to hold the box of cupcakes with his casted hand. He nodded his head in Will’s direction as if to say goodbye before shuffling out of the door with Connor in tow.

 

After a minute or two of them walking silently to Connor’s car, Connor spoke up. “Ev-”

 

“I’m sorry!” He pulled his hand from Connor’s and wiped the sweat on his pant leg. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine,” Connor replied coolly. He unlocked the car and climbed into the driver’s seat as Evan got into the passenger seat. “Family friend?”

 

“Uh, yeah.” Evan nodded. “His wife, Anne, had a stroke back when I was a kid and my mom was her nurse. Back then, I would go to work with my mom sometimes when the babysitter was busy or Jared’s parents were working. So, me, Jared, and Lisa used to hang out in Anne’s hospital room and pretend we were her nurses.”

 

“Is Lisa their daughter?”

 

“Uh, kind of? She’s their niece but legally their daughter? I- it’s a long story.”

 

“Yeah,” Connor started the car and pulled out of his parking spot. “I got it.”

 

The two rode in silence for a while, Evan not making a move for conversation and neither did Connor. Evan gazed out the window, breathing against it and drawing hearts and stars and watching them fade away. The brunette glanced over at him and sighed again, catching Evan’s attention. The two awkwardly made eye contact.

 

Evan wasn’t sure why suddenly he couldn't come up with anything to say. It’s not like he was an expert in conversation, especially with his anxiety, but usually, he and Connor could at least go back and forth about some stupid tweet Connor read or debate on whether or not smoking weed was a good thing.

 

“What’s in the bag?” Evan asked.

 

“Huh? Oh, some stuff.” Connor replied dumbly, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel.

 

Evan furrowed his eyebrows, eyes flicking over the white bag that now sat alone on the back seat. “What kind of stuff?”

 

“What’s this? 20 questions? It doesn’t concern you, Hansen.” Connor shot back. Subsequently, he quickly tried to fix what he’d done wrong. “They’re pads and tampons. A heating pad, some nasty dark chocolate, shit like that.” 

 

A light pink blush grazed Connor’s cheeks as he fixed his eyes on the road. Evan noticed of course because blushing just wasn’t something that Connor experienced. It was like..seeing Evan smoke weed or try to cheat on a test. They just didn’t go together. 

 

After the initial surprise went away, Evan actually got to piece together what Connor had said. Pads and tampons were necessary for any teenage girl, and a heating pad was a luxury that any girl on her period wished she had. Of course, after putting 2 and 2 together and getting 3, Evan decided that his deductions must have been correct.

 

“Your girlfriend is on her period? I mean-  if that’s the case, uh, it makes more sense for you to be there for  _ her  _ than to-to be here going out for ice cream with me. I just-”

 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Hansen.” Connor chuckled. “It’s for Zoe. She’s been moping in her room since she got home from rehearsal, so it’s easy enough to tell she’s suffering from her period.”

 

Evan gnawed on his lower lip, attempting to pull off some dead skin with his teeth.  _ Oh, that’s great Evan, you’ve made a fool of yourself. You can’t just assume that he has a girlfriend. If he doesn’t, then you’ve embarrassed him. Now he’s not going to want to be your friend and he’s going to block your number, and he’s going to tell everyone how much of a little pussy you were because of something stupid your mom said. Good job Evan. Good jobgoodjobgoodjobgood- _

 

“I don’t.” Connor’s timid voice interjected Evan’s pity-party and the boy’s head spun towards the driver. “Have a girlfriend, that is. Girls are sort of  _ overrated  _ in my opinion. It’s not that I don’t respect them or anything! Just- guys swoon after girls as if they’re the only thing in this world worth desiring. Even though most guys only want a girl because she can pleasure him and vice-versa. Romance is fucked and so is the world.” A stray hair rested against his nose and he blew it away before continuing to speak. “Girls just aren’t my thing I guess.”

 

“Are you  _ gay _ ?” Evan squeaked out incredulously, his eyes as wide as plates. Connor’s defensive walls were going up and Evan knew that he had to stop them before they were sealed, but Connor already started speaking before he could even get a word in.

 

“Is that a problem?” His tone sounded sour and dry.

 

“ _ No!  _ No. It’s not a- problem. I’m just surprised?” There was silence, so Evan continued. “I’ve never had a gay friend- well I’ve never had, you know, friends, but I’m extremely supportive so yeah- I’m not, judging you..or..anything of that, uh, sort.”

 

Silence. Anxious tapping of thumbs against the steering wheel. A hesitant glance in Evan’s direction. “Good.”

 

“Good.”

 

“What about you?” Connor asked once a few beats of stillness rolled by. “Are you-”

 

“No! No. I’m as straight as a line. I like girls! Yeah. Girls. They’re. Nice. Yes.” The angsty teen suddenly found the hem of his shirt interesting and he began to poke, prod, and pull at the loose thread from earlier. 

 

“It’s fine if you aren’t straight, Evan.” Connor soothed, his eyebrows creasing to make a single wrinkle appear on his forehead. 

 

“I know! I-  _ know _ .” Frantically looking up, Evan heaved out a sigh. “I’m not gay or anything. I’m a-a.. an ally! Straight but supportive. Yes. That’s me.”

 

Connor warily eyed his friend as he pulled into the parking lot of  À La Mode. “Whatever you say.”

 

À La Mode was a small ice cream parlor compared to the other shops Evan had seen around town. The outside wasn’t anything to behold, the bottom half of the building was painted blue with little wooden cutouts of ice cream nailed in random places. The top half of the building was made with white painted wooden planks. Dividing the two colors was an awning over the front of the store, tiled with brown ceramic tiles. Hanging in the center of the awning was a red sign that read  **_‘À La Mode’_ ** in white block letters.

 

There was an order window at the front to the left of the entrance, a dull menu hung in the window and Evan was much too far away to read it at the time. On the other side of the front door was a large window and in the window hung a ‘Help Wanted’ sign. Evan ignored it mostly. 

 

On the right of the upper half of the building, there was a balcony painted an ugly shade of greenish-grey, but Evan assumed that it was probably there because the upstairs portion was where the workers stayed considering it was a family run establishment. 

 

Connor held the door open for Evan and the grateful boy muttered a ‘thank you’ as he entered. As underwhelming as the outside of the building was, the inside was the opposite. The walls were painted seafoam green with little multi-colored fishes swimming around among countless other sea animals that Evan tried to identify. The tables were round and wooden with three chairs seated around them. They had alternating colors with different designs from seaweed to a surfer trying to catch a wave. The floor had the classic black and white checkered pattern, clashing against the ocean vibe the rest of the parlor had, but Evan was in no position to complain. 

 

While Evan attempted to take in his surroundings, Connor calmly approached the front counter. A girl, who could only be 11 or 12, was standing behind the counter tapping away at a tablet. She looked up and locked eyes with Connor for a moment before gasping dramatically and rushing into the kitchen. Finishing his examination, Evan walked back over to Connor and stood at his side.

 

After a few seconds, a tall teen walked out from the kitchen with the little girl in tow. He was about the same height as Connor, if not a bit taller. His skin was tan and clear of any blemish or scar. The boy’s hair was chin length and a mess of curls and naps, but he was pulling it back into a ponytail as he approached the counter. Evan noted the outfit he was wearing, a blue button up with vertical red stripes dancing around it. Hazel Eyes met with blue ones and Evan had little to no time to brace himself for the tension that has suddenly appeared in the quaint shop.

 

“Hello, I’m Elijah, what can I get for you today?” The tan boy- now identified as Elijah- spoke up, a smile plastered on his face.

 

“I’ll take a double cone of cookies and cream and he’ll have a single cone of vanilla.” Connor smiled back, a wry thing that made Evan bite his lip nervously.

 

“Great. Will that be all for you? Care for a  side of ‘broken heart’ sprinkles?” Eli cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing together.

 

Connor opened his mouth to speak, but instead licked his lips slowly and offered another smile. “No thank you, but is there an extra cost to add a dash of ‘I am not the one who cheated first’ sauce to that cookies and cream?”

 

Elijah laughed and Evan couldn’t help but think it came out as more as an awkward chuckle-turned-giggle. “Of course there’s an extra cost, but just for you, I can give you an ‘I can’t believe you fucked my twin sister’ discount. Would that be okay?”

 

“Absolutely fucking peachy. While you’re at it, I think I’d like to order something off the secret menu.”

 

“I’m sorry, sir, our secret menu is only available to our  _ loyal  _ customers.” Connor began to interrupt, spouting random curse words, but Eli interjected. “And I’m incredibly sorry, but there are no dogs allowed.” 

 

Evan looked up from the ice cream in the freezer to look at Connor. Rather than locking eyes with the brunette, like he’d originally intended, Connor’s face was stony and his eyes were locked in a deathmatch with Elijah's. 

 

Both of their expressions seemed to be just as vile as the other and Evan fidgeted anxiously with the loose string from earlier. He licked his chapped lips and opened his mouth to speak, desperate to break the tension, but all that came out was an awkward squeak.

 

“Oh, Con, looks like your little puppy is scared, you’d better do something about it.” Eli chortled, eyes making contact with Evan’s frantic blue ones. At this point, his cheeks were flushed red with hot embarrassment and his eyes were turned downcast towards a black tile on the floor. He duly noted how clammy and sweaty his hands were getting and made a quick effort to wipe it onto his jeans. 

 

“Let’s go, Ev.” Connor turned around quickly and exited, the chime of the bell echoing in Evan’s ears.

 

The blonde boy started after him, only briefly stopping once he heard Elijah start spouting once again. “He’s got you wrapped around his finger, huh? You’ll just follow him without protest. It’s not surprising, really.”

 

Evan tore a loose piece of skin off of his lip, licking them again before looking up to face the other boy. “You don’t- uh, even know me. So it’s kind of bad? To make assumptions about our- our- uh- relationship.”

 

“I  _ know  _ Connor. And I  _ know  _ how toxic he is. He pushes you away so much that you have no choice but to gravitate towards him- and he’s got you in his orbit now.”

 

“That’s not how it- it is. We’re friends and he’s  _ nice  _ to me.”

 

Expecting a reply, or some other dramatic finish to the conversation, Evan ramined where he stood, but after a few seconds of silence, he realized Eli’s scrunched up eyebrows and the way he bit the inside of his cheek. Wordlessly, he turned to the exit and shuffled out of the door. Maybe it was the heat of the moment or the fact that the encounter had him bubbling with anxiety, but he could have sworn he heard the Filipino boy inside barking-  _ mocking him.  _

 

He shut the door behind him as he clambered back into Connor’s car and buckled his seatbelt. Connor started the car and promptly pulled out of the parking lot, his tires squealing against the asphalt and leaving tire marks. His pale hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, making all of his turns sharp and dangerous, evident by the honking cars he left in his wake. 

 

“Connor-”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Hansen. I’m not in the mood.”

 

The needle of the speedometer was rapidly raising and it had long since passed the speed limit. Evan warily eyes it before turning his attention to the road, the yellow lines were rushing past them in a blur. 

 

“But, Con-”

 

“Evan, I’m  _ not  _ in the goddamn mood. What the fuck could possibly be important enough to warrant your bullshit rambling right now?”

 

It seemed the universe had a lot in store for them today, because as if on cue, Connor ran a red light and was steadily heading towards a homeless man who was jaywalking. The brunette's hands stilled on the wheel and Evan’s heart thumped in his chest. Within seconds, his hands were on the wheel as he frantically turned so that they spiraled towards one of the empty residential streets on the side. 

 

There was yet another mutual silence between them before the cars speed began to pick up again. “Connor, pull- pull over!”

 

Connor tossed a heartless chuckle in his direction and did the complete opposite of what was asked. Evan reached up to buckle his seatbelt but realized it was already buckled, although Connor’s was not. “Connor!”

 

“I’m fucking fine, Hansen.”

 

“You’re going- over the speed limit- at least- at least slow down!”

 

“Suck my dick.”

 

Red, green, and yellow lights flew past them as they drove. Evan’s attempts were getting them nowhere, and it actually seemed as if Connor was speeding up and driving recklessly just to spite Evan. 

 

“I know it’s -about-about the boy at the ice cream parlor.” Evan began, his free hand awkwardly gripping the seatbelt. “ And I _ know  _ that I don’t know much about the situation- but-but- you’re going to get us- us hurt, or worse, killed- and you won’t be able to-to even talk about what has you so riled up.” At this point, Evan was just rambling in an attempt to calm Connor who wasn’t even speaking or paying any attention. “You shouldn’t be driving in this- uh, condition.”

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

“You’re going 50 miles right now.”

 

“So?”

 

“The speed limit is  _ 25, Connor! _ ” Evan cried out. “Just-”

 

“I’m fucking fine!” Connor seethed, dramatically turning the steering wheel so that they turned into the parking lot for a nearby shopping center. The car jumped over a few speed bumps before greeting to a stop in front of a thrift store. 

 

Connor slammed his hand onto the car horn multiple times before resting his forehead against the top of the steering wheel, shoulders slumped in defeat. Evan sat there, trying to catch his breath and keep his incoming panic attack buried underneath the rest of the problems he would deal with later. Right now, he had more important things to deal with. 

 

“Connor,”

 

“He was my ex.” Connor started before Evan could start with some sappy, ‘Things get better’ line. “We’d been dating for almost two years and I caught him cheating on me, so I cheated right back. His twin sister was happy to fucking-” He groaned unhappily, thudding his head on the wheel again. “-I’m fucking pathetic. We had this big ass argument over it and  _ you  _ don’t need to know what was said. But essentially, there’s this big ass possibility he hadn’t even cheated and i’m just the asshole who ruined it all.” 

 

What could he say to that? Their roles were supposed to be switched, Evan freaking out over something and Connor acting all chill until Evan could calm down. There were many  _ many  _ problems with this role reversal. First, Connor wasn’t actually freaking out per se. He was more of just sulking and relishing in his own self hate, so there wasn’t anything to calm him down from. Secondly, Evan wasn’t the ‘chill’ one. He was the sappy one who read off inspiration quotes until you had no choice but to stop being angsty. 

 

“Orchard?”

 

“Orchard,” Connor replied simply, sitting back up on the seat, his back popping with all of the stress radiating from him.

 

“What if I drove?” Evan suggested, eyes flicking up from his lap to Connor’s face. 

 

“You don’t have a license.”

 

“But you’re in no condition to drive all the way to the orchard.”

 

“Your house?”

 

He thought for a moment, trying to juggle his mom’s schedule and the homework he had and the fact that Connor looked like he was just about ready to pass out and go to sleep. “Why don’t we just do something at school on Monday? We can- uh- skype and talk, but I might be doing homework and I don’t want you to think that-that I’m ignoring you again or-”

 

“It’s fine, Ev. We’ll skype.” 

 

“Good.” Evan fidgeted with the loose thread again before smiling to himself.

 

Connor, who’d been scanning Evan’s face the entire time, cracked a cheeky grin and shook his head at Evan’s cute smile. “Dork.”

 

The ride home, as usual, was quiet besides the near-silent music Connor was playing on the radio as he drove. An attempt to calm his still racing nerves, Evan assumed. There were a few moments where Connor would reach over and put his hand over Evan’s in an attempt to keep him from pulling at the thread on his shirt, but that was the only interaction during the ride.

 

Connor’s car pulling into Evan’s driveway with a squeak before jolting to a stop, effectively waking Evan from whatever nap he was taking in the passenger seat. He unbuckled his seatbelt and released it, cringing when it loudly clattered against the window before sliding into place. 

 

“Well, b-”

 

“Goodnight, Ev.” Connor interrupted Evan’s attempt a goodbye. It took about a millisecond for Connor to realize that Evan had not, in fact, finished his goodbye, so technically he had said it first. Apparently, Evan noticed too because they were both looking at each other as if the other person just proclaimed their love for the other. “Haha, I mean, I’m going home now and whatever. Don’t stress yourself out over calling me. Yeah. Uh. Bye.”

 

Evan laughed softly, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “Bye, Connor.” He said as he slipped out the car and shut the door. 

 

Once he was standing on his porch, Evan waved to Connor. Despite the cars tinted windows, Evan decided to pride himself on the belief that Connor was waving back. Of course, he couldn’t have known for sure, but hey if he’d said Goodnight first, there was a chance Connor could just be opening up more. And Evan was content with handling Connor Murphy, even with Elijah’s warnings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed! I know there wasn't very much actual plot in this chapter, but that's because Chapter 8 was absolute hell and overdramatic, so I wanted something lowkey and ended up adding more drama for character developing purposes. The next chapter /should/ have some fluff and angst if I read my outline correctly, but knowing me, I'm probably going to add too much fluff or too much drama. Again, sorry for the late update! Comments, Kudos, and Bookmarks cure my depression! Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> ~ Thank you for reading the chapter, chapter two should be done soon!
> 
> ~A few notes will be at the end of every chapter, and it's up to you if you want to read them or not.
> 
> ~This chapter is the first of many, so the ending notes will be a bit more lengthy as I want to introduce myself to y'all!
> 
> ~My name is Makayla, but Kayla and Miles are fine as well? I have a few people who call me Smol, but it's not as common as the other two.
> 
> ~They/Them pronouns, but if you accidentally slip up and use She/Her, that's fine as well!
> 
> ~Commenting, "Please Update soon!!" or "I want another update now!!" will not get chapters produced any quicker, but supportive comments will!
> 
> ~Please give me constructive criticism. I am not 7 years old, I can handle if you comment how "Evan is out of character." or how "You don't describe things enough." I would rather you comment something intellectual rather than saying the chapter is good, when in truth, it's not.
> 
> ~I'm sorry if you were looking for smut, but I'm actually asexual and writing smut makes me rather uncomfortable, please respect my decisions rather than commenting about how I should write smut for y'all.
> 
> ~Thank you for reading this story and the end notes (if you did). Comment and leave a Kudo! Thank you so much!


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